Jeremy Condliffe, now editor of the Congleton Chronicle series, has supplied us with some more of the howlers uttered in the newsroom when he worked at the Accrington Observer.

He tells us they were uttered by Mervyn Kay, Phil Harris, Paul Plunkett, Susan Denwood – now Plunkett – Chris Lloyd, John Anson, Janet Wooley and Margaret Cheesburgh. But chiefly “Merv”.

During a discussion on the National Trust…
“The National Trust? What do you want to go there for?”

On Shakespeare…
“Wasn’t Buttons in Midsummers Nights Dream?”

On Divorce…
“How can she be a single mother and a Mrs?”

On sexuality…
“If he’s 22 and single he must be gay”

Investigating the police…
“What’s Sergeant Hopwood’s first name…And what’s his rank?”

On prison…
“Is a jailbird someone who’s escaped?”

On self sacrifice…
“Why don’t you give blood, Merv?”
“It hurts.”

Tactfully asking someone to post a letter…
“Er…I don’t want to offend you but, er, is there any reason why youare, er, unable to, er, avail yourself of the postal system?”

On colour schemes…
“Is lilac a colour as well as a plant?”

On new house building…
“John, do you live next to the new houses?”
John (puzzled): “No, they’re all quite old near us.”
“No, the family – the Newhouses.”

On health reporting…
“So you’re saying that one of the symptoms is stiffness?..oh sorrydeafness”

Interviewing the organiser of a wine and cheese evening…
“And will there be refreshments?”

On copy flow…
“We definitely need that story, though I doubt it will get in”

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But it’s not just reporters who open their mouths and put their feet straight in.A switched-on Judge at Burnley Crown Court…

“House music? I’ve not heard of that. Is it music you play in the house?”

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Accrington councillors show their breadth of thought…

“I’ve just had an extension – I’ve had a dormobile put on the roof”

“I’m worried about sewerage – I think we ought to look into it”

On the election of John Major as party leader…
“The Conservatives have just replaced one Tory with another”

“The dog muck in the park is terrible, there are foetuses all over theplace”

“I would say, off the top of my head, that this was last used…a longtime ago”

“This has been an eyesore getting on for…a very long time”

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Back at the office, the customer isn’t always right…

“I’ve come to complain about this misleading ad in the Citizen. It saidthere would be wallpaper at 75p a roll”
“And wasn’t there any?”
“Well yes, but it was a small roll and I want a big one”

For Jeremy’s earlier selection of howlers click here

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