A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post

London is currently plagued by Eastern European women clutching babies to their breasts and begging for money. I hear that as attitudes harden in the capital, these so-called refugees may well be heading West.

There are two things they should understand before taking to the streets of Bristol.

Firstly, competition is intense. A short stroll through the city centre gives the connoisseur of street life the choice of tartan-trousered Scots who’ll dance for a can of Special Brew, dreadlocked crusties who’ll read you a poem for a pound and, if violence is your thing, a bearded giant who’ll threaten to punch your lights out for free.

In that kind of exalted company, a piece of cardboard with the word “hungry” scrawled on it isn’t really going to cut the mustard.

Secondly, if they really want to coin it, they should ditch the mewling infants and get a dog, preferably a one-eyed lurcher on a piece of string. I am told that there is a kennels in deepest Somerset where such animals are specially bred, with a premium price asked for the most pathetic looking beasts.

If only he realised it, that Rolf Harris is sitting on a gold mine. All those sick animals and he goes and cures them! The mind boggles.

So what’s the real purpose of speed cameras? Are they there to slow down traffic, or are they there as a means of imposing yet another tax on motorists?

I ask because I was “flashed” again at the weekend. The camera which clocked me at a modest 70mph was on a long, straight country road bereft of houses, schools or other hazards. For some reason, there was a 50mph limit on this stretch.

The camera, in common with all others, was painted a dull grey and was sited behind a large road sign. (I wouldn’t have spotted it anyway because I was as pissed as a fart, but that’s not the point.)

If cameras are meant to be a deterrent, shouldn’t they be painted fluorescent orange? And shouldn’t they be sited in clear view in areas where a reduced speed is obviously important?

Or should we just accept that speed cameras are a money-making device put there to punish those of us who have the effrontery to drive a noisy, smelly, gas-guzzling motor car instead of pulling on the politically-correct Lycra and riding a bike?

I only ask because the police will soon be allowed to keep all the money raised by fines. Once that happens, we’ll even have speed cameras in drive-thru car washes.

It’s just that Mrs Beelzebub is getting worried. She’s already got six points on her licence even though she’s not driven a car for five years. Know what I mean …

Mobile phones for the long-term unemployed. What’s all that about then?

They’re only going to use them to phone the bookies or run up bills ringing those sex lines. It’s a complete and utter waste of money.

We’d be better off investing in special teams of Scrote Catchers who could roam the streets rounding up professional wasters before the pubs opened. Then they could be put to work picking up litter or chiselling chewing gum off pavements instead of lazing around drinking cider and ogling the girly pics in the Daily Star.

And that Gordon Brown’s no help. If he starts cracking down on the black economy, what’s going to happen to my gardener and cleaner, both of whom are of pensionable age? They can’t afford to pay tax on the pittance I give them, and I’m certainly not about to pay their national insurance.

Before we know it we’ll have an epidemic of elderly hooligans hanging around on street corners, taking snuff and swigging Wincarnis from the bottle. And don’t forget. Half of them spent five years strangling Germans and the rest were Teddy Boys.

– Barry Beelzebub

* The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this newspaper, or of the national newspaper columnists spouting pointless platitudes about the “plight” of George Best. He made his choice and he’s big enough to live with it. You lot, on the other hand, aren’t fit to lace his drinks.

Back to the Barry Beelzebub Index