A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post

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Although I have Sky Digital, and all 197 channels at that, I have been unable to locate the news channel on which young lady newscasters display their bottoms while not informing the nation about the latest story President Blah doesn’t want us to know about.

Perhaps Ms Adie could point me in the right direction? Licence fee-payers like myself deserve to be told.

And while we’re on the subject of the war, if this Bin Laden chappie really has managed to acquire a supply of anthrax by mail order (as reported by Her Majesty’s Press), how does he manage to open the envelope?

And all those effigies of Mr Bush and President Blah that they’re burning in Pakistan and Afghanistan? Where do they get them from? Is there an effigy factory somewhere? And if not, why do they always dress them in suits?

It doesn’t make sense. This is supposed to be one of the poorest countries in the world and they’re setting fire to their only set of decent clothes. What will they wear to church on Sunday?

Give me the child and I will give you the man. Many thanks to the dear old Co-op once again for their marvellous display stands promoting Halloween.

Now your children can dress up as Beelzebub lookalikes, complete with horns, beard and fork, while learning all about witches, black magic, Manchester City fans and all the other assorted forces of evil.

It makes life so much easier for us down here in the Underworld when parents are open-minded enough to introduce their offspring to the black arts, instead of just filling their heads with all that ‘Jesus’ stuff.

All that remains now is for you to send the little treasures out into the dark and rain on the night to knock on strangers’ doors and ask for sweets, and then terrorise any old people who object to being blackmailed in this way.

What a spiffing idea! Are you sure NuLabour didn’t come up with it?

BARRY BEELZEBUB
The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this newspaper, or of the next person to tell me that Merseyside Police have arrested three suspected terrorists in Liverpool: Bin Thieving, Bin Mugging and Bin Fighting. But they still can’t find Bin Working.

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