Liz Payne, from the Accrington Observer, couldn’t help but notice the howlers Jeremy Condliffe sent in from his time there.

She told HoldTheFrontPage: “It’s now my job to record those cringeworthy moments here – so here are a few.”

Observer “Did-I-really-say-that?” moments:

Louise: “This man has been taken into a back alley and has cuts and bruises and a broken cheekbone. Is it fair to say he was beaten up?”

Stuart (deadpan): “So, is DI Eastwood’s first name Clint?” To which Louise (not getting the joke at all) answered: “No, it’s Bob.”

Mervyn: “Do flies come in any other colour than black?”

Observer staff demonstrating their tact, sympathy and diplomacy skills:

Darren checks baby death before informing Mervyn that it was a stillborn.Mervyn: “Still what?” This is followed by: “Leave that then, we only do dead people that have lived.”

Phil to father of young chap who died that day: “Oh, hello, I’m sorry to ring you on the day your son died, but I just wondered if you’d like to talk about it!”

Observer staff demonstrating their intelligence:

Mervyn to office: “How come we don’t go out for lunch on Friday’ any more?”
Darren replies: “Maybe we will now it’s getting lighter.”

Bloke decapitated after putting his head on railway line. Janet replies: “There can’t have been much left of his head.” Then adds: “Mind you, it depends which way he was lying.”

Darren (trying to decide what he’s doing for Christmas and New Year): “So, what date is Boxing Day on this year?”

Stuart: “Does anyone know what street Melbourne Street Christian Institute is on?” (after looking in the phone book without any joy)

Observer staff demonstrating their wit:

Darren to almost any fit work experience girl: “You can share my spike any time!”

Phil: “Do you know how to spell Alzheimer’s?
Jim: “I’ve forgotten!”

Mervyn referring to who’s going to do an interview: “Lee, are you going to do the girl this afternoon?”
Lee: “No, but I’ll be talking to her anyway.”

Observer staff who think they are working for News of the World:

Jim (suggesting title of new fitness page): “What about ‘Don’t be a fat bastard’?”

Mervyn: “I wonder if Lindsay Morris (local lass turned Page 3 girl) needs a father figure?”
Jim: “If I was her father I’d still be bathing her.”

Lee, reading out a story that Louise did about a man retiring from work, said: “You’ve put here that he got a Gleneagles paperweight and a travel cock.”
Louise’s response: “Ooh, that’s really tickled my fancy!”

These words of wisdom were uttered by current and past Observer staff: Editor Mervyn Kay, deputy editor Margaret Cheesbrough, news editor Janet Woolley, sports editor Jim Wilkinson and reporters Liz Payne, Louise Cummings, Donna McKenzie, Philip Harris, Darren Bentley and Stuart Robertson.

To read Jeremy’s earlier gems, click here

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