A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post

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We are told that a shortage of vets is causing a backlog of Foot and Mouth-infected animals waiting to be slaughtered.

Well it’s time to mobilise the big guns. Where’s Rolf Harris and that bloke out of All Creatures Great and Small? They were happy enough to earn a comfortable living treating cute little puppies. Now it’s time to get their hands dirty with a bit of real work.

Where’s that Trude woman? Never mind pratting around with perfect make-up stabbing kittens in the neck. Here’s a bolt gun, love. Get up the top field and start killing, or I’ll not be paying my licence fee next time round.

While we’re on the subject, can anyone explain to me how the French have managed to stop Foot and Mouth in its tracks? As far as I can tell, they’ve had just two outbreaks and have stopped the virus spreading further than those farm gates.

Perhaps it’s because they didn’t wait three days before killing infected animals.

Perhaps it’s because they didn’t wait four days before disposing of the carcasses.

Perhaps it’s because they don’t have MAFF, Nick Brown and a government whose utter disdain for the countryside and the people who live in it is insultingly obvious.

I never thought I’d say it, but that little cottage in Provence is looking quite an attractive prospect just now. I wonder if the local bistro does Watney’s Red Barrel?

This is scary. Big Issue sellers are being offered first aid courses so that they can save the lives of passers-by who collapse in the street.

Now I don’t know about you, but when I finally have my heart attack, the last thing I want is some soap-dodging tramp attempting a spot of mouth-to-mouth resucitation on my prone body. Good God, the cider fumes alone would put you under permanently.

And there’s the delicate question of watches and wallets. It’s hard to enough to avoid being mugged when you’re sober and upright. Spark out on the pavement, you’ve got no chance.

No, far better would be to give first aid training to young, attractive shop assistants. Particularly the white-coated perfume girls from Debenhams.

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