Droppings in your Christmas box
by Graham Smith

Page 2 of 2

The cow jumped over the moon!

Mad cow disease may have been caused by cattle eating dust from space, scientists believe.

This startling theory is down to a gent called Chandra Wickramasinghe of the University of Wales, good Welsh name that, who says his theory may be a bit way out.

He reckons the cows mop up the moon dust which is scattered in the fields and pass it on.

He is still researching the possibilities. Somebody give him a doctorate to the University of Mars, or ask him to run away with the dish and the spoon.

Aren’t you sick of the randy guinea pig who made 24 females pregnant in one night and then slept for a week?

Sooty the superstud now has his own web site, a vastly inflated opinion of himself and an owner who is making a fortune from the national press. The last time Sooty did that somebody smacked a custard pie in his face. Come back Sweep all is forgiven.

Lap dancing in Harrogate is a bit like licking gravy off your knife at The Ritz – they don’t like it.

The genteel spa town is better known for hiding Agatha Christie when she did a bunk, cream teas and ladies of a certain age shopping for water biscuits. But now there is a lap dancing bar and it is causing thromboses among the locals.

Girls in G-strings drape themselves around a pole on a mirrored stage and the local MP is up in arms….he can’t get a ticket!

Lib Dem MP Phil Wills is not happy.

“What we do not want is a seedy environment,” he proclaimed. Quite right leave that to the garden centres.

A Tory lady councillor almost swooned and exclaimed: “This is not what people expect from our town.”

Club boss John Richardson hit back with: “They were gagging for it in Harrogate.” Ouch John, hang on to your differentials or they’ll be on the menu at the ladies luncheon club.

If your girlfriend is from Oxfordshire and gives you aftershave for Christmas be careful.

A bunch of crooks have been making their own eau de toilette with rather too literal a content according to trading standard officers. They have been watering down the content with, well how can I say it, water passed by the management?

It’s not on is it? Certain breweries have been doing it for years but it is not what one expects in Oxfordshire.

Christmas shoppers with laden trolleys are rather more dangerous than low flying aircraft.

Recently I’ve been buzzed by a woman with more turkey in her trolley than Bernard Matthews, strafed by a man pushing enough whisky to put Bells out of business and had to dive for cover from a couple exchanging expletives and threatening to put a plum pudding into certain bodily orifices.

The spirit of Christmas is amazing isn’t it. Normally sane people taken on a glazed expression and attack supermarket shelves as though World War Three is imminent.

“Have we enough bread?”

“No grab another three dozen your mother’s coming on Boxing Day.” … frightening.

But I wish you a very Merry Christmas, Peace on Earth, goodwill to all men and John Prescott.

Graham Smith can be contacted by e-mail at [email protected].
His company website is at www.freezone.co.uk/mediaworldpr.
Or he can be contacted by phone on 07092 103738, for ideas about having a laugh at life, internationally, nationally, regionally or locally.

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