A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post

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So why don’t we have enormous hog roasts across the country where thousands of poor people, asylum seekers and beggars can feast to their heart’s content? We feed the needy and dispose of infected animals at the same time. Neat, eh?

I think I might have the answer to the thorny question of animal experimentation. See what you think.

It always strikes me as unfair that I’m not allowed to know whether my cleanser is going to bring me out in a rash or not. But I accept that some people don’t like the idea of make-up and shampoo being tested on animals. So here’s the solution.

Let’s have rabbits in cages next to all cosmetics counters so we can do our own animal-testing.

Makes sense, doesn’t it? If you’re an animal rights nutter, you can take your chances with that Taiwanese mascara. If you’re not, you can play safe and test drive it on a bunny or two.

And why not have a beagle and an ashtray parked next to the cigarette counter in Tesco? If you fancied trying a new brand, you could give the dog a fag and wait to see how much it coughed.

A reader suggests another solution to keep the National Association of Bunny-Huggers happy.

It’s a sort of reverse donor card, which reads: “In the event of the holder falling ill, under no circumstances should he or she be treated with a medication developed as a result of experiments on living animals.”

It makes perfect sense. In the future, those of us who want to be cured of cancer can be, while those of us who don’t can die.

That Falklands War veteran, Simon Weston. When is he going to stop visiting schools and frightening kids and get himself a proper job? Just a thought.

– BARRY BEELZEBUB

* The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this newspaper, of the lovely Debbie McGee, of anyone who isn’t sick of seeing minor league celebs falling out of their dresses at awards nights, or of any Manchester City supporters out there. It’s 25 years today since you last won a trophy. Here’s to the next 25.

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