A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post

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Trouble at Beelzebub Mansions. Whittaker, our wrinkled retainer and odd job man, has been pursuing a vendetta against the greengrocer in the village after being thrown out of the shop for squeezing his plums.

He’s determined to get revenge and has been lurking disguised outside the shop in the hope of catching the greengrocer selling bananas by the pound. The problem is, the Arab sheikh’s costume he’s been dressing up in has brought him out in a nasty rash, the only treatment for which is to anoint himself in calamine lotion at regular intervals.

Unfortunately, he chose to do this in the open air, which then spooked the MAFF vets who were hanging sheep in the lower field. Believing themselves to be in the presence of a disease-maddened Gloucester Old Spot, they tranquilised him and carted him off.

His current whereabouts are unknown and my shoes need cleaning. You just can’t get the staff these days.

The editor of this magnificent organ telephones me in a state of agitation from the offices of the Sunday Mirror, where he’s been moonlighting for a bit of extra cash.

“Bazza,” he cries. “Know anything about contempt of court?”

Wearily, I tell him what little I know and he races off all excited. It’ll end in tears, believe me.

The Kilshaws. What a wonderful example of British citizenship to parade before the world’s media. How less-civilised countries must envy us.

They are, of course, from that bit of North Wales that has been annexed by Merseyside. We should then perhaps be thankful that the High Court’s decision went against them.

They’d have probably asked near-neighbour Louise Woodward round to babysit the twins.

– BARRY BEELZEBUB

The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this newspaper, of anyone who thinks the countryside is “open for business”, of anyone who isn’t bored with the Phil Mitchell saga, or of anyone who fancies a length in Michael Barrymore’s swimming pool.

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