A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post

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If you dropped a £20 note in the street, you wouldn’t expect the Government to give it you back. You’d just smoke Lambert and Butler and drink Blue Nun for the week.

So why on earth do that daft couple from Watford think that Camelot should shell out £3m on the strength of a lost lottery ticket?

Listen. You haven’t got the ticket and you aren’t going to get your money. It’ll go to Good Causes instead, which probably means keeping Ronnie Biggs in hospital food cooked by Lloyd Grossman. So stop whining on about your ruined lives on GMTV and just get on with it. Anyone would think you came from Birmingham.

The Animal Rights loonies are at it again. This time they’ve picked a fight with some real heavyweights, the Scouts.

Anthea Turner’s sister has written a letter of complaint to the Scout movement on behalf of an organisation called People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. So what have the lads been up to? Strangling calves? Donkey ducking?

Nothing so extreme. Apparently they have an angling proficiency badge and dangling a rod in the canal is, as we all know, profoundly cruel to fish. Hence the complaint.

I fear the bunny-huggers may have gone too far this time. An organisation founded by a man who single-handedly held off 15 million fuzzy-wuzzies while whittling his woggle isn’t going to cave in to the demands of a talentless daytime TV celeb. Even if she is wearing a balaclava and bondage trousers.

– BARRY BEELZEBUB
The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this newspaper, of anyone who thinks the countryside is “open for business”, of anyone who can still take Richard and Judy seriously after watching Alistair McGowan’s impression, or of anyone not dreading Alma’s drawn-out death throes. Finish it quick, please, scriptwriters.

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