A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post

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Manifesto update. You may recall that prior to the General Election, I outlined my own political agenda. Since then, I have had many letters suggesting improvements or alternatives to the manifesto, so I thought I should keep you up to date with the more important changes.

Clause 32B, “no women at football matches”, to be amended to “only topless women wearing netball skirts at football matches.” Thank you, Julie Burchill, for that suggestion.

Clause 19C, “free hair transplants for gingers” to read “free hair dye for gingers” on grounds of cost, although “free NHS freckle removal” will be added.

Clause 6A, “no garnish on pub meals” amended to ” …except when served to a woman.”

Also new: Just William books and the Biggles adventures to be restored to school library shelves; schools to have libraries in the first place; spot fine for anyone with a “Baby on Board” sticker in their car; drivers wearing hats banned from roads on Sundays; single mothers forced to cook one meal from scratch each week, ie. without use of microwave.

Vote Barry. You know it makes sense.

To London for the day, courtesy of Great Western Railways. What a mistake.

The beer was warm on the way down, even though it was only 9.30am, and the train back from Paddington that night was so overcrowded it looked as if it was heading for Calcutta Central rather than Temple Meads.

The Editor of this impressive organ, who was also on board, has asked me to pass on his apologies to the midget with the alarm clock around his neck and his 27 mates who were on a Stag weekend. He hasn’t really given your fiancee a seeing-to, honest. Enjoy the wedding.

– BARRY BEELZEBUB

The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this newspaper, of anyone not voting to evict Josh from the Big Brother house, of anyone who had their face painted before watching that loser Tim Henman on television, or of anyone who is Australian. That includes Rolf Harris, the cast of Home and Away and the rest of the convicts.

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