A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post

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Isn’t the quietest time of year for traffic during the school holidays?

There’s no Japanese four-wheel drives that have never seen a speck of mud, or purple Ford Fiestas with two bald tyres, a spilt McDonalds shake all over the baby seats and a lingering whiff of vomit.

I would not go as far as some chauvinists who argue that women should stay at home. I just don’t think they should be allowed out in cars – at least not during busy times. They should walk, cycle or use public transport.

(They’d like buses anyway. There’s lots of people to gossip to with folded arms about Mrs Jenkinson’s waterworks and the mysterious appearance of the window cleaner at the back door of that tart from Number 32.)

This simple measure would dramatically cut the number of cars on the road, speed up traffic flow and go a long way towards reducing pollution. In fact, I’m surprised the city council hasn’t thought of it already. It makes at least as much sense as most of their anti-traffic schemes.

More on the decision by Norwich City Council to fell 22 horse chestnut trees to stop conker-related accidents. There still haven’t been any. Not one.

However, my scientific advisers point out that there is another hidden danger which makes the conker cull even more urgent. Conkers are poisonous and contain the chemical Aesculin, “a bitter, poisonous glycoside which breaks down blood proteins.”

Apparently, if you were to ingest a conker, the symptoms would be “vomiting, loss of co-ordination, stupor, and occasionally paralysis.” Sounds like the after-effects of a night in the Dizzy House to me.

BARRY BEELZEBUB

The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this newspaper, or of anyone not intending to vote Paul out of the Big Brother house. Please, for mercy’s sake, get rid of this ignorant, boring, arrogant, pompous, vain, Home Counties bullshit champion before I put my foot through the telly.

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