A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post

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If you had to guess which category of employee took the most days off sick, who would it be?

Policemen? Maybe. They’re generally lazy sods who are on the phone to Claims Direct quicker than you can say “bad back”. Yes, it’s a dangerous job, but someone has to change the film in the speed cameras, and it’s all too easy to pull a muscle getting in and out of those squad cars.

What about teachers, then? They hardly work at all, anyway. Forget all those outrageous lies about marking books into the wee small hours. They spend more time struggling to read the big words in The Guardian and worrying about Third World debt than they ever do teaching your kids how to spell “inadequate.”

No, the biggest set of lead-swingers in the country are… wait for it… social workers.

Social workers take an average 15 days a year off sick. Most of us settle for 6.3. And for those of you who’ve passed through Bristol’s schools and are consequently innumerate, trust me when I tell you that that’s more than double the average, non-manual worker rate.

So what’s so stressful that social workers have to spend four weeks a year sitting on the couch watching Richard and Judy and eating Pot Noodles while the rest of us are slaving away at the office?

Is hand-wringing stressful? Is booking juvenile delinquents on canoeing holidays stressful? Is standing up in court making pathetic excuses for some little scrote who’s mown down an innocent pedestrian in a stolen car stressful? My arse.

This just gets better. First we had a Sports Minister who knew nothing about sport. Now we have a Transport Minister who can’t drive.

Well done, Tony. So the man who’s supposed to sort out our chaotic road network spends his time being chauffered around in a government limo.

That’ll really keep him in touch with the common people, won’t it?

And, to add insult to injury, Education Secretary Estelle Morris failed her A-levels and claims not to have read a book for three years. But that’s OK because she’s a fully-trained teacher. With no A-levels and no desire to read books.

No wonder our schools are the envy of Khazakstan.

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