Droppings in your Christmas box
by Graham Smith

Freelance journalist Graham Smith, Managing Editor of Mediaworld PR Ltd, has written topical humour columns for five years. Now he’s sharing them with HoldTheFrontPage.

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What do you buy the man who has everything at Christmas? It’s easy, a sheep.

No, not to put in the oven, it’ll sprain the door, and no matter how hard you try you’re bound to get wool in your chestnut stuffing.

You buy him, or her, a live sheep. That’s right, adopt a sheep, watch it graze, have its cheese, wool and even its droppings posted to your door courtesy of the latest barmpot idea which someone sent me on the Internet.

An organic farm in Italy has decided to rent its flock of 1,300 sheep to city dwellers who are fretting about mad cow disease, scrapie and genetic modification.

If you get your order in now you can have gift wrapped sheep droppings to open on Christmas morning, who could ask for more?For 180 Ecus you get a 12-month renewable contracts to choose a sheep, name it and monitor its output of 5kg of cheese, four pairs of socks and two pairs of leggings, as well as its plant fertilising droppings.

Just the thing as a stocking filler for your granny to go with the poinsettia. If the produce doesn’t meet with the client’s expectations you have the right to turn the poor beggar into mutton, the sheep that is not your granny.

Manuela Cozza, the owner of an agritourism centre in the Abruzo region said the produce from each sheep would be worth about E230. The web site, which I refuse to mention out of respect for the RSPCA and Dolly the clone, features a newsletter and shows pictures of shearing and transhumance, the seasonal moving of flocks to new pastures.

Says the deranged gentleman: “Clients will once again have direct contact with the origins of what they eat, but the scheme cannot guarantee customers that their food is entirely safe. There are a lot of wolves in Abruzzo.”

All together now: “While shepherds watched their flocks by night…”

John Prescott, Johnny “Two Jags” , “Macho Man”, call him what you want, and many do, has been having a bad time.

He upset the Dutch, well he speaks the language well, and the French but tell me, is there any connection between his visit to Holland and their decision to legalise euthanasia?

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