PULL THE UDDER ONE: Dairy farmers are turning to aromatherapy in a bid to cure mastitis in their cows, reports The Telegraph & Argus, Bradford. A former farmer from Skipton has created a blend of lavender, eucalyptus, geranium and damask rose which he claims can clear up the infection in two to three days.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS – FOR VALENTINE’S DAY: The Shropshire Star has told how a baffled pensioner received a Christmas card from his brother this week. It had taken almost two months to travel seven miles from Bridgnorth, where it was posted on December 13.

MR BLOBBY RUINED MY VOICE: A budding opera singer who claimed that performing six times a day in a sweaty rubber Mr Blobby suit at a Somerset theme park ruined his voice has won undisclosed damages for injuries and lost earnings, the Western Morning News reported. Sam Perry maintained that exhaustion, heat and dehydration brought on by wearing the costume left him unable to reach high notes.

PARENTS ARE JOKERS: Practical jokers Josephine and John Block kept their son Stephen on his toes when they turned up at the Basingstoke hotel, where he is deputy manager, disguised as complaining tourists.

The couple, from Plymstock, were transformed by professional make-up artists – the Evening Herald, in Plymouth revealed – after winning a Make It Happen promotion run by chocolate bar company Mars.

“Stephen was being really polite and trying to keep calm. But when John pulled his wig and glasses off, he collapsed laughing,” said Josephine.

ALL THE TWOS: Megan McDonald entered the world on February 2, 2000, at 2.20am, measuring 22 inches, reported The Sentinel, in Stoke.

For good measure, her mother Michelle McDoanld chose the name Megan so that her new daughter’s initials would be MM – which means 2000 in Roman numerals.

DON’T FENCE ME IN: A family in Leeds, who had asked the council to make their open front garden safe for their youngsters to play in, were delighted when contractors put in a new gate.

Unfortunately they forgot to provide a fence to go with it, reported the Yorkshire Evening Post.

“It’s like having a door but no house to go with it,” said father-of-four Douglas Rowe.For a month the council told a complaining Mr Rowe that its computer showed that a gate AND a fence had been put up up, but after the Post intervened the job was finally completed.

NUTTY CRIME: Grantham couple Roy and Janet Sadler thought their home had been burgled when they found it ransacked and belongings broken and strewn everywhere.

But a pile of soot down the chimney and a trail of little footprints led them to the culprit – a squirrel, who they cornered under a chair before calling police.Mr Sadler told the Lincolnshire Echo he believed that the animal was searching for peanuts. But the furry vandal’s crime spree continued when he bit the police officer called to the scene.

KEEPING YOUR OPTIONS OPEN: Read in the Coalville Times, a Leicestershire weekly newspaper:

“Det Insp Ramsey added that the ramraiders may be local people. However, it could be the case that they are from outside of the district.”

EH-NO! TELETUBBY BAN: Organisers of a church hall bring-and-buy sale in aid of Blue Peter’s appeal for baby care equipment were shocked to be threatened with legal action if two volunteers dressed as Teletubbies Tinky Winky and Po made guest appearances.

The Evening Herald, in Plymouth, reported that the sale went ahead despite the threat from BBC Worldwide who deal with licensing for the under-fives TV show after organisers stood outside throughout the event with posters proclaiming that the characters were not THE Teletubbies, but were TV-tubs.

WAR OF MORE THAN WORDS: Covering councils is not the most exciting job on the diary but staff on the East Anglian Daily Times have it better than most.

The Ipswich-based paper carried a story about two Mid Suffolk District Council members whose political argument in a pub ended in a scuffle. One suffered a bruised face and a suspected fractured finger, while the other made a complaint to the police. It wasn’t the first time the injured man had made headlines for the wrong reasons: several years earlier, he’d found a pile of manure in his car after breaking off a relationship with a woman.

CRACKING UP: A reporter in the south of England tells us he was covering a story about homes subsiding when he was invited into the bedroom of an 85-year-old woman, who had damage to her walls “Without thinking, I said: ‘Show us your crack then’. Five minutes later, me, the photographer and the old girl, all bent double with laughter, continued the interview.”

PERFECT POSITION: Does anyone out there know of a more appropriate byline than that of the East Anglian Daily Times environment correspondent, David Green?

READ ALL ABOUT IT: “We want Sammy back” ran the headline in the Huddersfield Daily Examiner after the town’s best-known newspaper boy was kidnapped.

Sammy, a stone-based statue complete with cloth cap and Examiner billboard, vanished from outside a Sainsbury’s supermarket and the paper carried an appeal by field sales manager John Armitage for his return. True to form, the kidnappers sent a ransom note, made up of letters cut from the paper, saying: Sammy kidnapped till our demands are met. Will be in touch.”

The paper even managed to get a TV soap link into the piece, revealing that Sammy’s elder brother stands outside The Kabin in Coronation Street.

Someone ought to feel Les Battersby’s collar…

BACK ON THE MENU: Gloucester’s Business Breakfast Club lost its regular meeting place when the Old Bell pub in the city closed. But, proving the power of the local press, an appeal in The Citizen prompted 12 offers of new venues and saved the early morning sessions.

SUSPENDING BELIEF: Alongside a video grab of a knifeman holding up an off-licence, one regional title declared that police were hunting “this stocking-clad robber”.

WIDE CIRCULATION:The Lincolnshire Echo has been to Antarctica.

Globe-trotting entertainers Paul Cooke and Wendy Callister have the paper posted to them from their home county whenever they are away. Last month, the Echo was able to carry a picture of the pair reading the Echo against a backdrop of glaciers as their cruise liner sailed through Antarctica.

MONKEY BUSINESS: The Evening Herald, Plymouth, had fun with a tale of a runaway capuchin called Charlie, which escaped en route to his new home.

Charlie was eventually captured after a helper from Looe Monkey Sanctuary spent a day gaining his trust, but not until he had enjoyed two days of freedom, evading efforts by vets to sedate him with a dart gun and a blow pipe. Owner Paul Rooks said: “We even tried spraying a banana with sedatives but he seemed to know.”

SEEING DOUBLE: Couples in Darlington now longer have to fight over who gets to read the paper at weekends. The broadsheet Northern Echo has split its Saturday section in half, with news and features in the front section and sport and motors in the second.

FOUL CALLED: Thank goodness for councillors who are prepared to stick their necks out in a hopeless cause.

The Monsters of Rock festival returns to Castle Donington this year after a four-year absence and Derek Wintle, who represents the village on North West Leicestershire District Council, has welcomed the news. But, as the Leicester Mercurcy reported, he wants the bands to be banned from swearing on stage.

“In 1996,” he said, “I was walking through the village but was stopped in my tracks by the language the singer was using. It was terrible.”

BITTER BLOW: Be on your best behaviour if you visit Jersey and fancy a pint. The island’s Evening Post reports that a 35-year-old woman who refused to quit licensed premises was sentenced to 10 days in jail.

NO SMILING, PLEASE, WE’RE BRITISH
:One of the oddest stories thrown up by anti-stalking laws comes from the Herald Express, Torquay.

A long-running feud between neighbouring butchers culminated in one being hauled up into Exeter Crown Court for breaching a restraining order – by giving a “cheesy grin” at staff in the rival shop. The culprit spent two weeks in custody before a judge set him free, declaring: “No wonder Parliament is considering abolishing the right to trial in some cases.”

JUST THE OB: A reporter driving through London spotted the results of a badly folded bill for the local rag. It was advertising a “64-pag ob scene supplement”.

THAT’S A RESULT:The Shields Gazette helped to put a thief in court.Magistrates in South Shields heard that shoplifter Lee Brown was captured on closed-circuit television. He was arrested after the paper carried his picture as part of its Crimestoppers campaign.

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