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Women working topless?

A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post


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The editor of this impressive organ telephones me in a state of some excitement.

“Bazza,” he cries. “The bloody office is flooded with letters about last week’s column. And the postmen are complaining that they’re so busy, they haven’t got time to perform their traditional seasonal duty of nicking the postal orders out of all the Christmas cards.”

It appears that my comments about the Taliban’s sensible attitude to women struck a chord… with thousands of men.

And so many have written in support of my simple appeal that it seems that a backlash against the sexual revolution may be underway.

And it’s not before time, is it? In the last few days alone, women have won the right to breast-feed in the House of Commons and come to work when they feel like it once they’ve had kids.

Well, I’m sorry, but you don’t find the check-out girl whipping out her baps and clasping a nipper to her bosom when you go down to Tesco’s, so why should MPs behave any differently?

It’s time for men to fight back and re-establish themselves as the dominant sex. We shall therefore form a new political group called the Bristol Taliban… a bit like those Bath Separatists you keep hearing about.

We’ll need a manifesto, of course. So here’s a few basic things that our leader, Omah Mullah Jack Duckworth, promises to change:

Valentine’s Day will be moved to February 29, so it only comes around every four years.

On Mother’s Day, you’ll get the day off to go drinking.

And instead of getting a “beer-belly”, scientists will invent ale that gives you “beer-biceps”.

Every man will get four, real “Get Out of Jail Free” cards per year.

Tanks will be far easier to hire by the day and all telephone conversations will be automatically cut off after 30 seconds.

If your wife or girlfriend really needs to talk to you during a televised football match, her face will appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ball goes out of play.

Nodding and looking at your watch will in future be deemed as an acceptable response to the comment: “I love you.”

Beer to have the same effect as Viagra.

Throwing up after 18 pints will, in future, actually make you more attractive to the opposite sex.

There’s more…