A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post

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As we approach the Office Christmas Party season (full report on the Evening Post night of debauchery will appear next week), the newspapers have been much exercised by the story about a fat lass who broke a photocopier by sitting on it.

What strikes me about this peculiar behaviour is why would she want a photocopy of her arse in the first place? Presumably if she’s fat enough to shatter the glass, we’re talking size 18 minimum here. So she’s got a big one. Why would she want a memento of it? Just look in the mirror, love.

Even more surprising was the police reaction to this heinous crime. They took it seriously. That’s right! In a day and age when you can’t prize a copper away from his speed camera when you’ve been burgled, they find time to investigate a misjudged jape.

Do I take it that there will now be road blocks set up where every woman of similar size will have to drop her drawers while a highly-trained arse cop compares her buttocks with the guilty photocopy?

If so, can I sell the tickets?

I was in a pub in Derbyshire a couple of weeks ago when I heard the barmaid refer to the “t’internet”. Apparently she’d joined an online dating agency and was currently besieged by fat, 50-year-old blokes with false names and wives at home.

Well, if “t’internet” has reached Bakewell, I think we can safely assume that it has arrived and is here to stay. And what a marvellous beast it is too. A veritable repository of gems for the lazy columnist. So here’s something I found yesterday, excerpts from the Female-Only edition of the Guinness Book of Records:

Car Parking: The smallest space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 63feet, two inches, equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs Elizabeth Simpkins, driving a Vauxhall Nova on October 12th, 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement eight hours and 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.

There’s more…