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Where are all the "cute bottoms"?

A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post


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I have been known to indulge in the occasional pint of beer or bottle of wine.

I have to confess that my alcohol intake may sometimes exceed health service guidelines to such an extent that I awake the next morning feeling less than 100 per cent. The phrase “mouth like a Turkish wrestler’s jock-strap” springs to mind.

On these occasions, a couple of pain-killers followed by a large plate of Mrs Beelzebub’s splendid kedgeree seems to do the trick, and I am out of the door and ready to ride to hounds before you can say “Terry Duckworth”.

And as the dreaded festive season lurches over the horizon, that wonderful time of year when scantily-clad secretaries stand vomiting in the streets while their workmates spray them with silly string, the need for this restorative treatment becomes more regular.

The prospect of waking up with a three-bottle headache only to find that there are no pain-killers in the house is quite terrifying, so I decided to stock up at my local Co-op.

When I got to the checkout with my two packets of Nurofen, a pizza-faced youth, who was clear evidence of why cousins shouldn’t marry, informed me that I could only buy one packet at a time in case I wanted to commit suicide.

The fact that the Co-op’s own in-store pharmacy was a full 14 paces away from the check-out, and that two other chemist shops were within a three-minute walk, seemed irrelevant to the youth and, when summoned, his jobsworth manager.

Neither was he too keen on my suggestion that perhaps he should also be taking razor blades, washing line and plastic freezer bags off his shelves as well.

This constant nannying is all so bloody pointless. If I want to top myself, I’ll find a way, even if the Co-op won’t sell me two packets of Nurofen. I’ll catch a train to Paddington or go and stand outside the Chinese Embassy in Kabul. That should do the trick.


Kate Adie is complaining that the BBC is only interested in young, female reporters with “cute bottoms”. I may have missed something here.

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