A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post

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(We’d best not get into the argument about why British forces are fannying about in Macedonia, instead of protecting British subjects in Africa. My anger management course isn’t going too well as it is.)

What we should be doing is offering substantial grants to any Zimbabweans with British citizenship who want to come and start farming over here. With no further cash help of any kind. We might then get back to producing food that’s fit to eat and animals that are raised properly, rather than pursuing our current agricultural policy of bribing lazy, subsidy-addicted farmers to go out of business.

And don’t tell me about Foot and Mouth. Since the horny-handed sons of the soil all cashed their compo cheques, my patch of the countryside has been overrun with new cars and tractors. It’s like living amongst a thousand lottery winners. I only wish I’d bought shares in Massey Ferguson.

One farmer was even rumoured to have had his house painted, but that’s plainly just too ridiculous to be true.

TV vet Trude Mostue is leaving her practice to concentrate on being a celebrity. As kittens nationwide breathe a sigh of relief, I would question whether she was ever a proper vet in the first place.

Yes, she passed her exams, but you’ve never seen her with her hand up a cow’s arse. You’ve never seen her shooting a horse which had caught a bad cold. (Bazza’s Veterinary Guide to Horses: Nasty sniffle? Shoot it. Indigestion? Shoot it. In-growing toenail? Shoot it.)

Trude has made a career of out of simpering around old ladies with Yorkshire Terriers while fluttering her eyelashes at any males in the immediate vicinity. We’ll see how famous she is when she no longer has a supporting cast of cute liddle pets to keep the simple-minded viewers happy.

BARRY BEELZEBUB
The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this newspaper, of Kate Bloody Winslet, of Nicole Bloody Kidman, or of the football commentator who said “That’s Germany out of the way. Now for Japan.” He did, honest. Unbelievable.

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