A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post

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Why are there so many daft adverts on television at the moment?

How come that bloody Eskimo in the television adverts can get a mortgage, a credit card and a car just like that? No wonder this country is being swamped by asylum seekers. It’s encouraging them.

Now even The Big Issue is getting in on the act with its own advert. Now I don’t know about you, but if I weaken and give one of those well-dodgy characters who harass the general public a quid, I expect him to spend it on cheap cider or drugs. I don’t expect my cash to end up funding a flash television commercial.

Then there’s that irritating kid in the otherwise excellent BT ad. “What’s this thing under my nose called?”

It’s obvious, dimwit. It’s a bogey.

I’m planning to track down and strangle the woman in the Bingo ad who runs round shouting “Number Two!” And please don’t even mention the dopey couple in the Yellow Pages ad who order the same kind of sandwich. Would you go off and marry someone just because they share your taste in food?

It’s happened to me loads of times in the chip shop. Just because the girl in front of me orders cod, chips and mushy peas, I don’t go down on one knee because that’s what I’m going to order as well. Get a grip.

– BARRY BEELZEBUB