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Unidentified Headline 93

Just whistle a happy tune!
by Graham Smith

Page 3 of 3

Swatting up for battle
Contestants have been doing battle in a mosquito killing championship in Italy.

The contest is organised in the Lomellina Valley by the Anti-Mosquito League and entrants are given five minutes to catch as many mosquitoes as they can with their bare hands.

Are they just a full lira? It is organised by a barmy barber. The first prize is six piglets, second is two ostriches and the third is 500 eggs. Aren’t you glad they weren’t on our side in the war?

Fly me to the moon
Plans are being drawn up to send mice into orbit on board their own love-mobile where they can have low gravity sex.

It could be put into orbit for two months which is enough time for the occupants to reproduce and for their offspring to grow into adulthood. The craft would then be brought back to Earth and the twisted boffins could decide if low gravity had affected the development of the young mice.

The flight could take place as early as 2003 aboard a tiny capsule which simulates Martian gravity. The Mars society, they make nice chocolate too, hopes to launch the experiment for as little as £1.4m. Now when I was a kid you could buy a hell of a lot of mice in our local pet shop for that money.

Serves them right if when they open the spacecraft they are confronted by eight-foot tall rodents with antennae which would make next door’s moggy run a mile.

Keen as mustard
A man in Southern India has cut a mustard seed into 508 pieces with a razor blade.

“Mustard cutting is an art of concentration which takes the mind to a higher plane. It is highly recommended for people with a poor attention span,” said Sebastian David.

It’s also pretty good for people requiring a full frontal lobotomy because they have nothing better to do with their time. Try that with your razor blade Seb.


Graham Smith can be contacted by e-mail at [email protected] or by phone on 07092 103738, for ideas about having a laugh at life, internationally, nationally, regionally or locally.

Do you have a story about the regional press? Ring 0116 227 3122/3121, or
e-mail [email protected]

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