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Unidentified Headline 92

A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post


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Listen, shares can go up, as well as down. Don’t cry now just because this particular gravy train has hit the buffers.


Another bloody moaner is that Birmingham bloke who appears in the Stop Smoking ads on television. The one who lost a lung.

“They had to take it away. I didn’t know it would happen to me.” Well I’m sorry, but it says so on the packet, doesn’t it? Smoking gives you cancer, heart disease, woodworm, dry rot and kills babies in the womb. It says so on every packet.

When will these people take responsibility for their own actions? Anyone would think they were members of Mr Blah’s Cabinet.


The editor of this esteemed organ telephones in a state of some agitation after opening an envelope containing a suspicious white powder.

Funnily enough, it is not this which concerns his alcohol-addled mind but a Coronation Street storyline which he believes is besmirching the reputation of Mancunians everywhere.

Apparently young Todd, son of Eileen, had the opportunity on Sunday night to play hide the sausage with the delectable Candice, the Lolita of the cobblestones. Unfathomably, halfway up the stairs he bottled it and went off the idea.

Now it seems that their scruffier and smellier neighbours from down the East Lancs Road are openly maligning the masculinity of the Mancs on various football web sites. I reassure the old boy with the thought that Atomic Kitten are Scousers and they’d have struggled to see action in the Blitz.

And as I put the phone down, he sneezes into the envelope…..

BARRY BEELZEBUB
The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this newspaper, of the fat kid who wasted everyone’s time by auditioning for Pop Idol, of the stuttering kid who wasted everyone’s time by auditioning for Pop Idol, or of anyone who thinks Pete Waterman is too cruel. Trust me, it’s best that they’re told.

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