All wind and waffle?
by Graham Smith

Page 2 of 3

Sharp shoe shuffle
A dancing lobster has been named after Ginger Rogers.

Apparently the creature at The Sea Life Centre does a little jig when they play music. It claps its antennae and wiggles its tail. Just like any woman really.

A long story
Legendary Brazilian soccer star Garrincha is alleged to have had a 25 centimetre long appendage. Now for the uneducated that is slightly shorter than the front page of the Daily Mirror and about twice the length of a fountain pen.

This illuminating information comes to light because his family is suing an author over an unapproved book telling of the star’s life and alcoholism. I’m more concerned about where he put the damned thing when he was playing football.

Said the author: “Size of penis and sexual energy don’t walk hand in hand, but Brazilians dream of both”.

Quite. Why did he never go in for pole vaulting? Unaided.

Carpet bombing
My dog is on Valium. He’s spent the last fortnight in a tin helmet and a nappy thanks to the local numpties who have been setting off more incendiary devices than the entire United States and Allied forces.

What the hell is the matter with them? Do they think Ossie bin Whatnot is in a wheelie bin in West Yorkshire?

One local supermarket, which shall be nameless, is now advertising New Year fireworks on sale from mid-December. Oh marvellous. With luck somebody will carpet bomb the lot and explode the Easter eggs which will be stacked and waiting for the shelves on Boxing Day.

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