A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post

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“Fancy a fumble” to be regarded as a perfectly acceptable chat-up line which would be rude to turn down.

All men entitled to short four-hour nap immediately after sex. Speaking to a man during this period to be made a criminal offence.

In the workplace, there will be a lunch break every hour and employers will have to hire strippers to provide entertainment during those breaks.

“Sorry, but I got bladdered last night”, to be regarded as an acceptable excuse for absence and/or poor time keeping.

Any women who want to work, will have to do so topless.

Harrier jump jets will take you to and from work.

Everyone in the office will have a real Star Wars light sabre and any disagreements will be settled by a fight to the death.

And, the best bit of all, when it’s time to leave work, a whistle will sound and you’ll get to slide down the back of a Brontosaurus like Fred Flintstone.

Vote Brissle Taliban. You know it makes sense!

Those plane-spotters arrested in Greece are turning out to be a right embarrassment.

For a start, what does it do for our national pride to have to explain to the bloody Greeks that there IS such a hobby as plane-spotting in the first place?

“Yes, Colonel Laughingalotatus, there really are people in Britain who go out wearing anoraks and write down the registration numbers of passing aircraft.”

Come on, guys. Can’t you just bite the bullet and pretend you’re really international playboys and cunning spies? At least do your time with some self-respect.

George Harrison? Overrated. The real pop group that changed the face of music in the Sixties was Freddie and the Dreamers.

Now there was a musical force. Show me anything Lennon and McCartney wrote that even approaches the lyrical heights of “How Do You Do What You Do To Me” and I’ll be off to sign the Book of Condolence quicker than a Liverpool florist.

BARRY BEELZEBUB
The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this newspaper, or of anyone who can tell me why all those people were wearing little red ribbons on Saturday. I know it was World Aids Day, but is it really necessary to make all sufferers wear an identifying badge? I thought we lived in a more open-minded society than that.

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