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The spirit of Christmas
by Graham Smith

Page 3 of 3

Metal fatigue
Call me old fashioned but why do people have a pre-occupation with having every conceivable bodily orifice pierced these days?

The other day I saw an apparition in the supermarket, past the first flush of youth and well past her recommended weight, with more clips and pins in her than a filing cabinet.

One in her nose, three in each ear, one in her lip and one in her eyebrow.

She bent down over the freezer counter for something and revealed a tattoo on her exposed buttock which would have taken Michaelangelo at least a fortnight. Am I missing something?

Laughing policemen
What a numpty country this is becoming. Numpty by the way is a cross between numb and empty.

This week I’ve read that in certain cities the theme tunes from police drama series are being played through hidden speakers. It’s deterring the criminals they say. Well it would. They are probably laughing so much they can’t commit crime.

And we are to encourage civilian police type people. Well we should, the trained policemen are probably too busy having rehearsals for Gilbert and Sullivan.

Black and white
A panda at Berlin Zoo is to be artificially inseminated after keepers failed to fire enough passion in her mate.

The keepers tried porn videos to try and inspire the couple… are they just for real? But nothing came of it, sorry, so now it’s time for humans to lend a hand. I pity the poor beggar who’s holding the bottle.


Graham Smith can be contacted by e-mail at [email protected] or by phone on 07092 103738, for ideas about having a laugh at life, internationally, nationally, regionally or locally.

Do you have a story about the regional press? Ring 0116 227 3122/3121, or
e-mail [email protected]

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