Be careful when leaving your seat!
by Graham Smith

Page 2 of 3

A nervous wreck, scarred for life and possibly suffering from third degree burns but with a clear conscience.

“There are no levers, pedals, wires or cables involved,” says Mr Convoy. But there don’t have to be. If you are a bit slow on the withdraw and your important features are not safely tucked away from harm’s way the thing could do more damage than pouring piranhas in with the thick bleach.

Tears to your eyes could be the very best that would happen.

So proud is the inventor that he has written to the nation’s 50 most successful women, including Baroness Thatcher, hoping that they will sponsor his bathroom man trap. Be careful Dennis, this could be worse than any handbagging.

News of the invention came as we learn that British men are amongst many other things overweight and under stress. With this kind of invention lurking round the corner do you wonder?

Nell’s a big girl
A 19-stone Old English Mastiff bitch called Nell is a contender for the heaviest dog alive and a place in the Guinness Book of Records. Well you would fancy her chances against next door’s tomcat wouldn’t you?

Where does she sleep you ask? Anywhere she wants of course and when she wakes up she eats 15 pounds of mince, slurps four pints of goat’s milk and half a dozen frozen duck eggs every day.

Feeding this gargantuan canine costs £80 a week and she demands two hour-long walks a day to help with the digestion. Little Nell spends most of her time lolloping around waiting for her next meal. After four pints of goats milk and half a dozen duck eggs you’d be inclined to lollop off to a safe distance yourself in case she wakes up with a touch of the gripes… wouldn’t you?

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