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Barry Beelzebub – The Devil’s Advocate
A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post

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Mark my words, get involved with lawyers and you’ll live to regret it.

They’re just money-grabbing sleazeballs with the high moral standards of Liz MacDonald on a hen night. And she’d shag a frog if it stopped hopping.

Jack Straw is a lawyer, although I doubt he’s ever had a proper job in his life. Cherie Blah, alias Zippy out of Rainbow, is a lawyer. The man who’s supposed to check this column for libels is a lawyer, although I suspect he’d test positive for stupidity if he ever gave a sample. You’ve only got to read it, after all. Reptiles, the lot of them.

So what we have here, contained neatly within a sixty second television commercial, is a microcosm of all that’s wrong with Britain today. Morally-bankrupt populace, greedy lawyers, easy money, a culture of blame and a legal system that is being systematically stripped of any lingering respectability.

Meanwhile your insurance premiums go through the roof (oops), your taxes are given away to policewomen who can’t take a joke, and fast food outlets feel it necessary to print “Caution, contents may be hot” on cups of coffee.

And you wonder how Jack Straw’s driver got away with it. It’s enough to make a cat laugh.

The editor of this monstrous organ calls from his private sauna at the Brown Lubianka, home of the Evening Post.

“Bazza,” he cries, in his usual state of excitement, “my man Whittaker’s just been down to W.H.Smith for a copy of Asian Babes and they’ve given him a free Daily Express as well! Only they put the Express in the plain brown wrapper!”

Ah, the old jokes are the best. Especially when you work for Lord Rothermere.

Pip, pip!

– Barry Beelzebub

The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this newspaper, of anyone who doesn’t love Hilda Ogden, of anyone who knows what they call a hanging chad when they have an election in Chad, or of anyone who understands why they want to privatise air traffic control.

Have they learnt nothing from Railtrack? There’ll be leaves on the line at 30,000 feet.

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