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Unidentified Headline 118

A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post


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BUSINESS: No telephone calls from sales people while Coronation Street’s on. Bank staff to be awarded stars to wear like in McDonald’s. Call-holding systems outlawed. Mines and steel works to be re-opened. Builders to employ a minimum of three ladies like those in the Carlsberg advert. Cadbury’s Creme Egg season to be limited to four weeks before Easter.

DEFENCE: Army to have guns and tanks. Navy to have ships. Air force to have planes. No poofters. No women unless they’re cooks or nurses.

ECONOMY: We keep the pound, simple as that. Lawyers, traffic wardens and local radio phone-in hosts to be taxed at 85p in the pound. Pension increases to be linked to MPs’ pay increases. Women not allowed to work until children are of school age. All quangos and think tanks to be disbanded. Social security payments to workshy wasters to be stopped after six weeks.

CRIME: Every policeman to walk a five-mile beat every day. Heroin to be given away free in street-corner dispensers. Probation officers and social workers to be banned from courts. Persistent juvenile offenders to be put to work in mines and steel works. Speed cameras only allowed outside schools and to be painted bright yellow. People whose dogs soil the pavement to be put in shopping centre stocks on Saturday mornings.

SPORT: No women at football. No 11am kick-offs just to suit Sky TV. All newspapers limited to a maximum eight pages of sports coverage a day. Use of the word “footy” to result in on-the-spot fine. National stadium to be rebuilt near Birmingham. No tobacco advertising on racing pigeons. Naked women’s volleyball to become an Olympic sport.

QUALITY OF LIFE: No prams in the beer aisles of supermarkets. Beggars only allowed on streets if they do a “turn” or party piece on demand. No-win, no-fee compensation claims to be outlawed. No celebrity chefs. No garnish on pub meals. All barmaids to be 34C minimum. Women banned from drinking pints. No junk mail of any kind. Scousers to be repatriated. No TV advert allowed to run more than twice a day. Ruth Archer to be shot. Mobile phone ring-tones to be limited to a choice of three state-approved tunes composed by Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Vote Barry! You know it makes sense!

The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this newspaper, of hairdressers with over-elaborate facial hair, of people whose gardens are always immaculate, or of anyone not heartily sick of Paul McCartney and his one-legged bird.

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