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A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post

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Now I’m not too worried about having a Sports Minister who doesn’t even know who captains the British Lions. This is politics, after all, where knowing nowt has never previously been a bar to advancement.

However, I am worried about having a Sports Minister who’s stupid enough to do interviews before he’s swotted up on his subject. Did he really think that he was appearing on Radio 5 to talk about the weather? Is he simple? Perhaps, as a boy, he was hit on the head by a conker.

There seems to be a great deal of fuss about the decision to release Jon Venables and Robert Thompson, the murderers of Jamie Bulger. With the best will in the world, I can’t see how we can keep them locked up for the rest of their natural. That’s much too cushy.

I’d let them out, but insist they remain on Merseyside. That’s a life sentence in anyone’s book.

While we’re on the subject of law and order, I’ve got a possible solution to all this dreadful pensioner-bashing that’s going on. The next time one of these scrotes is caught, lock him in a squash court with 80 bolshy OAPs.

He’d have one hand tied behind his back; the OAPs would be allowed to carry one piece of orthopaedic equipment, ie: a walking stick or a zimmer frame. We could even sell the television rights to Rupert Murdoch.

Result? An immediate and very real deterrent, no repeat offenders, and lots of very happy pensioners. Come on, Tony. You know it makes sense.

The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this newspaper, or of anyone not gagging for the chance to evict Amma from the Big Brother house. Listen love, saying “Pardon me” after the act has been committed does not give you carte blanche to spend all day burping and farting. Get a grip, young lady.

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