A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post

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Weekends are for football, rugby or any other sport. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Oh, and the male models with the great bodies you see in magazines are all gay. Fact.

Your Mum doesn’t have to be our best friend. Your brother is a fool, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.

Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how beautiful you are? Anyway, ladies wearing Wonderbras, low-cut blouses or tight t-shirts lose their right to complain about having their baps stared at.

Check your oil. It is an essential part of the car. And please do not question our sense of direction.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the television commercials. And when we are in bed and look tired, this means that we are in bed because we are tired. It does not mean that we want to have a long discussion about our relationship.

If you want a pudding after a meal, then order one. You don’t have to finish it. Don’t say: “No, I shouldn’t”, and then eat half of ours. And if you’re on a diet, it doesn’t mean that our meals should also consist of rabbit-food.

A man’s four essential food groups are white meat, red meat, beer and chips. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of these. Everything else is garnish.

I trust the above will be of assistance to all you young couples. Now I must dash. Mrs Beelzebub appears to be out in the garden shredding my suits with the pruning shears.

BARRY BEELZEBUB

The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this newspaper, or of anyone not wondering why the Queen Mum can get whisked into hospital for a top-up of fresh blood while their Granny is left lying on a trolley in a hospital corridor.

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