A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post

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Mark my words: as the unfair and unnecessary blight of speed cameras spreads, we are heading for wholesale civil disobedience. And not only is the law now an ass, it’s the very people who are supposed to uphold it who have made it so.

Aren’t the French wonderful? The Home Secretary, David Blunkett, claims to have appealed to our cross-Channel buddies to close the refugee camp from which hundreds of asylum seekers attempt to get into England each day.

That’s not exactly true. The conversation, if you can call it that, actually took place two months ago. The French response has been prompt. They’re opening a second camp.

Ah, the entente cordiale. They’ve never forgiven us for Agincourt.

Have we no self-respect left? This country is turning into a joke. We now have the ludicrous situation whereby the sausage and ice cream firm Walls is going to sponsor the Queen’s Golden Jubilee celebrations.

Why? Why do we need to send the begging bowl round to help recognize the efforts of a monarch who has grafted away on our behalf for 50 years?

You wouldn’t even do that to the smelly bloke in Accounts. You’d cough up for his gold watch yourself.

God only knows what this deal will entail. I have visions of the Duke of Edinburgh munching a cornet while being driven along in a coach shaped like a massive toad-in-the-hole, decorated with onion gravy.

And asylum seekers are desperate to come and live here? It’s enough to make a cat laugh.

— BARRY BEELZEBUB
The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this newspaper, of anyone doesn’t feel sorry for poor Fred Elliot, of anyone who thinks we won the World Cup on Saturday night, or of anyone not having nightmares about Christine Hamilton sneaking up on them while they’re asleep and sitting on their face. (Apologies to those who were eating their tea while reading this.)

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