A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post

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As someone who understands women so well, I have often been asked what ground rules make for a successful relationship.

The answer is simple. There are very few rules for men, but a great many for ladies. Gather around, girls, and benefit from my years of wisdom. Are we sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin.

If you think you might be fat, then you are. Don’t even bother asking us. Just get down the gym.

Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, just put it down again. It’s not difficult. And of course peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.

Don’t have your hair cut. Ever. Whatever we say about your new style is bound to be wrong. Similarly, if you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear. I trust that’s clear?

Sometimes, to be completely honest, we’re not thinking about you. Please learn to live with it.

Shopping is not a sport. Anything you wear is fine, really. You have more than enough clothes. You have far too many pairs of shoes.

Most blokes own two or three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair of yours, out of 30 possibles, would look right with your dress?

Please just ask when you want something. Subtle hints don’t work. And no, we don’t know what date it is today. We never do. Just mark important occasions like anniversaries and birthdays on a calendar.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. “Yes”, “No” and “Mmm” are perfectly acceptable answers. Crying is just blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it.

Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

There’s more…