A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post

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Now I’m not one for domestic violence. As long as Mrs B gets the tea on the table at the required hour, all is peace and harmony at Beelzebub Mansions.

But if I could have one thing for Christmas, it would be the chance to punch that woman in the Bailey’s advert right in the chops. You know the one I mean. And you’d love to do it too, wouldn’t you?

Perhaps the granting of one’s wish to indulge in senseless violence should replace the giving of socks and woolly jumpers as ideal Christmas gifts.

Imagine nipping along to Marks and Sparks to buy a box of Chinese Burns or half-a-dozen deadlegs.

So much easier than agonizing over whether or not the Carry on Doctor T-shirt with the picture of Harold Shipman is a suitable present for your granny.

Speaking of Christmas presents, isn’t that Candice off Coronation Street a little minx?

Now before you go shopping me to the News of the World’s Paedo Corner, let me just point out that the actress who plays Candice (it’s not real, you know) is actually 19 and therefore fair game.

Eeh, the fun you could have. “Get that school uniform on, Candice. We’re staying in tonight. And see if your friend Sara Louise wants to pop round.” The mind boggles.

But can anyone explain to me why Dev would kick the lovely Geena out of bed to have a fling with Deidre? It just doesn’t make sense. It’s a bit like swapping a Harley Davidson for an old push bike. In fact, it’s exactly like it.

I find myself puzzled by our tactics in Afghanistan, where we’re supposedly trying to flush Osama bin Laden out of his cave by dropping thousands of bombs from B 52s.

There’s more…