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Sex change for Bin Laden!

A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post


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This Northern Alliance thingy. Is it wise to rely on a building society to fight the Taliban for us? Wouldn’t proper soldiers stand a better chance?

What next? Send in the Bradford and Bingley? Loads of little blokes with umbrellas and bowler hats? Can’t see the towelheads taking them too seriously.

(Younger readers may skip the next paragraph.) No, the man we really need is the Wolf of Kabul, accompanied by his loyal sidekick Chung, wielder of a brass-bound cricket bat. In the pages of the Wizard comic, wild-eyed warriors would leap at the pair from behind the rocks of mountain passes, only to be despatched by Chung’s cudgel to the cry of “Clicky-ba clack many skulls”.

Marvellous stuff. You can keep your SAS. The basic approach is what works with these people. Strip them of their Nike trainers, Timex watches and Toyota pick-up trucks and you’re back to the kind of primitive society that makes even the Welsh look sophisticated.

As Mark Steyn put it so succinctly in the Torygraph on Saturday: “Take away the infidel products and you’d be left with a loser in yak-wool boxers, standing in a cave shouting at himself.” (Bloody hell, an American who can write!)

I have another solution. The Taliban regime is particularly ruthless when it comes to their restrictions on women. (Nothing wrong with that, as they might say in Yorkshire.) So rather than nuking old Bin Laden, let’s just kidnap him, whisk him off to Amsterdam for a quick Hayley-type sex change, and then send him back to Afghanistan to live as a woman.

There is a sweet justice to that. Especially when the pubs shut on a Friday night.


I always thought that if you went into the bookies, stuck a tenner on a horse and it lost, you were out ten pounds? It’s called “gambling”, isn’t it?

So what’s all this tosh about compensating Railtrack shareholders? They bought shares at massively undervalued prices, reaped over-generous dividends for years thanks to continued public subsidy and, in the case of most bosses, copped for millions as they asset-stripped the company. And now they’re moaning that they’ve lost their money.

There’s more…