Peter Pheasant’s article on computer rage hit a raw nerve with some IT staff and left him wondering if he would ever again get his computer fixed. The following has been sent anonymously to HoldTheFrontPage.

In response to your comments about computer nerds, we thought we’d send you this file outlining a few of the daft things that users like you do.

1. When a tech says he’s coming right over: go for coffee. We keep a database of everyone’s screen saver passwords.

2.When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave itburied under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals,dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don’t have alife, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

3. When Computer Support sends you an e-mail with high importance,delete it at once. We’re just testing out the public groups.

4. When a tech is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spillyour guts out. We exist only to serve.

5. When a tech is having a smoke outside, ask him a computer question.The only reason why we smoke at all is to ferret out those users whodon’t have e-mail or a telephone line.

6. Send urgent e-mail ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it upand flags it as a rush delivery.

7.When you call a tech’s direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingualgreeting that says he’s out of town for a week, record your message,then wait exactly 24 hours before you send an e-mail straight to thedirector because no one ever returned your call. You’re entitled tocommon courtesy, after all.

8. When the photocopier doesn’t work, call Computer Support. There’selectronics in it.

9. When you’re getting a “no dial tone” message at home, call ComputerSupport. We can fix your line from here.

10. When something’s wrong with your laptop, dump it on a tech’s chairwith no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. Weinstinctively know what’s up with computers, and use ESP to communicate with them.

11 When you have a tech on the phone talking you through changing asetting: read the paper. We don’t actually mean for you to DO anything,we just love to hear ourselves talk.

12. When we offer training on the upcoming software upgrade, don’tbother. We’ll be there to hold your hand after it is done.

13. When the printer won’t print, resend the job at least 20 times.Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

14. When the printer still won’t print after 20 tries, send the job toall 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.

15. Don’t use online help. Online help is for wimps.

16. If you’re taking night classes in computer science, feel free togo around and update the network drivers for you and all your colleagues.We’re grateful for the overtime money.

17. When you have a tech fixing your computer at quarter-past two,eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.

18. Don’t ever thank us. We’re getting paid for this.

19. When a tech asks you whether you’ve installed any new software onyour computer, lie. It’s nobody else’s business what you’ve got onyour computer.

20. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of yourdog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables weredesigned to have 45lb of computer sitting on top of them.

21. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn’t work, blame it on themail system upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound ofmuffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

22. When you get the message saying: “Are you sure?”, click on thatYES button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren’t sure, you wouldn’t bedoing it, would you?

23. Feel perfectly free to say things like “I don’t know nothing aboutthat computer crap.” We don’t mind at all hearing our area ofprofessional expertise referred to as crap.

24. When you need to change the toner cartridge in the printer, callComputer Support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complextask, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it only be performed by aprofessional engineer with a Master’s degree in nuclear physics.

25. When something’s the matter with your computer, ask your secretaryto call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with athird party who doesn’t know jack shit about the problem.

26. When you receive a 30MB movie file, send it to everyone as a mailattachment. We’ve got lots of disk space on that mail server.

27. Don’t even think of breaking large print jobs down into smallerchunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into the queue.

28. When you bump into a tech in the grocery store on a Saturday, aska computer question. We don’t have a life at weekends, either.

29. If your son or daughter is a student in computer science, havethem come in on the weekends and do their projects on your office computer.We’ll be there for you when their illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0Makes your Access database flip out.

30. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office,leave the documentation at home. We’ll find the jumper settings on theInternet.

31. If you lose a file and want it restored, remembering the file nameor at least one word of the contents does help.

32. When you have a problem at 1 a.m. don’t forget to call ALL the supportteam. None of us ever sleep, and of course we don’t want to miss out.

33. If your computer crashes, don’t forget to blame computer support.Ater all, we do it on purpose to keep ourselves in a job.

34. “Technical support nerds” only ever think of computers. If you’rethinking of buying a home PC, ask them what’s the best buy. They alwayshave the time, and hey you’re doing them a favour.

35. Pick up the buzz words/abbreviations i.e. E-commerce, SMDS, ISDN,WAN, LAN, etc. and string them together to make you look good in frontof other users. Try not to use them to computer support. We may thinkyou’ve had a nervous breakdown and are talking in some obscure foreign language.

36. When you call us with a problem, why not wait for us to walk from one end of the building to the next before telling us it’s cleared up, because we sit and drink tea and eat crisps all day, so we really need the exercise.

37. When a message appears on your screen, immediately pick the phone up and call the support staff. After all, journalists should do all the writing and not bother reading.

PS: And don’t call us ‘nerds’!

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