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Lib Dem or Taliban? You decide

A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post


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The editor of this enormous organ telephones me in a state of some excitement from the bunker he has constructed behind his desk.

“Brmmmph hmmm daaa nunghh!” he cries. I ask him to remove his gas mask and try again.

It emerges that the old boy has dug in, ready for war, and is now locked in his office surrounded by sandbags, tins of Spam and several crates of Chardonnay. But why, he asks, hasn’t it started yet? Personally, I blame the Liberal Democrats.

George Bush, backed by the military might of America, is obviously worried about upsetting Charles Kennedy by blowing up a camel with a cruise missile while the terribly self-important Lib Dem conference is still going on in Bournemouth. Good grief, only yesterday they were discussing such weighty affairs as the closure of an ABC cinema in Bristol. Not even Osama bin Laden dare interrupt a debate of that magnitude.

They really are an irrelevance, aren’t they? Just a collection of small-time, hand-wringing, Guardian-reading, lentil-eating nonces with a leader who is more famous for appearing on Have I Got News For You than he is for his political performances. And he’s a ginge.

God only knows what would happen if they ever got into power. I’d rather vote Taliban.


Prince William has gone off to university, asking to be treated like any other student. OK, Your Highness. Have this enormous loan that will take 20 years to pay off.

We’ll also arrange for you to wear the same underpants for a week and be beaten up outside a kebab shop, if you want. That’ll please the Special Branch.

Normal student? My arse. There’s already a queue of slappers waiting to cash in with a News of the World exclusive about their night of passion with the Prince. Second year Geography students, probably. They always were pushovers.

There’s more…