Have we won yet?
by Graham Smith

Freelance journalist Graham Smith, of Mediaworld, starts to sound a little
like TV’s Victor Meldrew…

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My dog is slightly better.

He spent three days over the Bonfire Night period sleeping in a tin helmet, taking Valium every three hours and is still crunching his Bonios very quietly in case the Taliban comes back. Isn’t it barmy?

The retailers who made so many lives a misery over that period are now proudly advertising New Year fireworks on sale from mid-December.

Somebody should shove a Roman candle where the sun doesn’t shine.

Bing bong for Liz
In case you hadn’t heard Liz Hurley is pregnant.

You would have thought by the amount of Press coverage in the last week that it was the second immaculate conception in two thousand years, but no, it’s Bing. But now Bing’s bogged off, sort of bing, bong thank you Liz.

Now we’ll have the follow ups. ” Bing was bang on says Liz” “Did Bing take a bung?” “It don’t mean a thing if you ain’t got that bing”.. the list is endless.I’m dreamin’ of a White Christmas…sorry.

Piddling nonsense
If you are caught having a pee in the shadow of Big Ben it will cost you £500.

Westminster Council is cracking down on urinating in public to “reduce the astonishing levels of street fouling”… smoking cannabis and blowing it up David Blunkett’s nose is quite acceptable.

What a Nellie!
A Dutch zoo wants to help a 47-year-old virgin elephant, who doesn’t know how to mate, to ejaculate.

Officials at Artis Zoo in Rotterdam want a British elephant trainer to help Murugan become a parent.

He refuses to mount female elephants so they want to collect his sperm to use in artificial insemination. And which barmpot is going to hold the bottle?

And for us men
German scientists have rigged up an air conditioning system for men’s underpants.

Doctors at Giessen University near Frankfurt wanted to prove men are more fertile if their crotch is kept cool.

They say the system increased sperm production in men suffering from low counts.

Whatever happened to Robin starch?

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