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Bleeding is readily adapted so that any rejected writer can learn to understand what a publisher is really saying in their stock response:

Dear Mr/Mrs/Miss (insert own name)
Muggins,

Thank you for sending me your work.
What is this pile of crap?

but I'm afraid we are returning it to you.
It soils my desk. as it is not suitable for publication with us at this time.Never, ever, ever!

We have been receiving many fine manuscripts
Proper writing.

from authors who are already on our lists
Chaps I went up to Uni with, actually.

and we are booked up for many months in advance for publication
So do not try this load of bollocks on me again!

Thank you for thinking of us
Now forget it.

and good luck with your search for a publisher Not a cat's chance, you feeb!

Yours sincerely
Yours insincerely

Richard Wise (Editor)
Clever Dick (and I've got the job to prove it)

Me, bitter and cynical? You'd better believe it.

But I still have self-belief and, I hope, the ability to judge my own work. I do not burn down publisher's offices or kidnap and torture their pets, though - reasonably enough - I have considered such retaliatory measures.

Rejection may have withered me, but it hasn't yet buried me. How to survive it? In Peanuts, Snoopy deals with a rejection letter by trashing the mailbox. This, I'm sure, is as good an approach as any.

© Kelvin Mason 2000

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