An anonymous student on the Professional Writing course at Falmouth College has written the following article about student debt for the college's award-winning writers' website. To see more examples of writing by Falmouth students, visit its website by clicking here: www.falmouth.ac.uk/bloc

It has slowly dawned on me that my life is a complete and utter mess (maybe that's not such a bad thing - realisation being the first step to making a change?) But how does one do that, when the odds are stacked up against you?

When I look around, I see people whom are seemingly happy, but I wonder if they are, or if they're just going through the motions, living up to other peoples expectations...then I see people who are in real pain, and I shudder to think that there is no way out, no solution, no words of wisdom or comfort that can be offered. So what's the solution? To continue? To observe and never feel? A non-committal, dispassionate observation of other peoples' happiness and misery? But what of my own problems? Do others see me in the same light? On the surface a smiling "well adjusted" member of society? Or a detached empty shell, wandering between the shadows for fear of the light? It's as if everything that I once knew, both truth and lies, have either disappeared, "vanished" into thin air, or, blurred to become one. One colossal lump, unfixed in space or time, but ever-present nonetheless. So what do I have that burdens me so? Unhappiness, well, yes, but happiness is a fleeting emotion, that only graces us with his/her(?) presence when we least expect it, or should that be happiness evades us when we least expect it, thus throwing us slightly off-kilter? (unable or unequipped to cope without it?)

Debt? now that's a tricky one, we all know the "rules" - only spend what you can afford, put some away for a rainy day, count the pennies so that the pounds take care of themselves. But how does one get so caught up with the day-to-day pursuits of (Of what? Happiness?! Now that's ironic!) that those figures...calculating what's coming in and what's going out, they too go a little (and then a lot) off-kilter... leaving you with a feeling of helplessness...but worse, guilt. Guilty for having had the audacity to enjoy yourself, guilty for allowing things to get so bad, guilty for not having anything to show for it, guilt piled high and on top of it, more guilt!

Sounds rather pathetic, even if I do say so myself! Quite how this would sound to another? But that's a question, should one open-up, admit defeat? Throw one's hands in the air and declare themselves at a loss, a LOSER? Or does one fight? Fight the feelings of despair, desperation and scramble back onto one's two (too) shaky feet? Here I am again world, it's another day, give (me) it your best shot? See if you can push (punch) me down once more? For today I am strong? When in reality, you feel as fragile, as, as a house of cards, already afraid of the breeze... But what of love? That timeless emotion. Sample all of the bad that maybe out there? Love...what do I know of love! It used to embrace me.. then one day it felt more like strangulation, yet what had changed? Nothing. Except perhaps, maybe I had... is that it? All thrown away on a whim? See, it's very difficult to make a change, make a decision, stick by it, make it happen. For good or bad, make it happen, but what is that, is that "doubt" I hear in my words? Do I regret once more? Work: I hate and love my job, with equal amounts, add water, and stir...it may rise or it may go flat! There is no way of knowing... if it's not what you want to do, then do something, anything to change it! if it's a challenge, then rise to it! if it's boring then make it interesting? Surely, these are all very obvious? How can I be both out of my depth and yet paralysed with no passion, no desire, no interest at the same time? Do I need more skills or a fresh new start? Does one quit and runaway? To start over, start anew? A new something to be crap at? Is it possible, to start again? But how? When all these things (money, rent, debt...) need facing (paying) too? Would anything change if I run away from it all...? Should one not stick it out? complete one task before starting another? the longer you leave it, the harder it becomes, to either face up to it, or change it...

So there it is, you cannot have happiness, for if you do, it will leave. You cannot have wealth for it will be spent and you cannot have love, for it will haunt you, it shapes all of your life all of your decisions, and without it you are lost. And there we are, back to guilt and regret. Yet I am not guilty and I regret nothing, For it all has a part to play in this little melodrama that is my life... is that all that I am feeling? "Melodramatic"? I have been accused of it before - is that what it is? This feeling of total and utter loss, confusion, despair - does that equate to melodrama? That, in fact, all that I am, all that I fear is just a part of life, everyday "normal" emotions? Well, if that be true, I was right with my first thought, my life is indeed a mess and I cannot cope.

There it's said and done. No longer a silent nightmare too horrific to mutter, but a tangible "fact" or reality: something which can be dealt with? So yes, I am guilty, I am at a loss, here I am world, as brave as I am weak. Knock some sense into me, before I lose it all! Knock me upright, to my feet, let me be brave enough to face it, face the day, face the facts...Fact is, I am a mess, fact is, I am unhappy, fact is I am in debt, beyond my means, fact is I don't know the way out. Fact is, I have to try.

If you're a journalism student, your work could be featured on HoldTheFrontPage too.
E-mail us now