UNITED ON BABY’S NAME: A West Midlands husband who wanted to name his son after the entire Manchester United team has been persuaded by his wife to settle instead for a simple Ryan Matthews – in honour of United’s Ryan Giggs.

The Wolverhampton Express & Star reported that mum Claire Matthews said: “I didn’t want my son to have 11 names. We are both Manchester United fans, but I’m not a football fanatic. We sat down and talked about it and I had my way in the end”.

COCKTAIL TREAT: O’Neill’s Bar, in Brighton, provided free non-alcoholic cocktails for people who gave blood at Hove Town Hall. Manager Susan Cunningham – herself a regular donor – told local evening paper, the Evening Argus: “To say thank you, we felt it appropriate to bring our bar to them rather than them to the bar”.

FOR MY NEXT TRICK: Magician John Gapp, who was disqualified from the world championships for deaf conjurors by judges who refused to believe he couldn’t hear, is now planning to drive across Gloucester blindfold.

Mr Gapp, 65, told The Citizen: “I thought a Sunday morning when the roads are not busy would be good.”

He wants to carry out the stunt to raise money for charities including the Federation of Great Britain Deaf Magicians and the National Meningitis Trust.

BUGGED BY LEAP YEAR: The York Evening Press has reported on a Leap Day Bug which bit a city man’s computer, after the Millennium Bug had left him unscathed.

Gordon Harrison switched on his computer on Wednesday to find the date March 1, 2094 on his screen.

“I tried four or five times to sort out the problems through the set-up mode, but the computer would not accept the date,” said Mr Harrison, who eventually cured the problem with a re-boot.

DEMAND FOR MUSSELS IN BATH : Staff at a new Safeway store, which opened in Bath this week, had tried to anticipate which quality grocery lines local discerning consumers would demand.

But they underestimated the taste for seafood, and by midday on its first day of trading, the store had been emptied of its entire stock of pre-packed cooked mussels, the Bath Chronicle reported.

Manager Paul Dumpleton added that one 90-year-old lady was also disappointed when, in answer to her question, he told her there was no fish and chip shop on site.

JOHN HELPS OUT: TV and radio sports personality John Inverdale – who used to be a reporter on the Lincolnshire Echo – has been back on its pages, lending support to a Lincoln dental nurse who plans to run the London Marathon.

John, who presents the TV sports show Online and a Radio 5 Live programme, was pictured with Jane Bellamy, who he encouraged to run for the children’s charity SPARKS. John ran the London Marathon for charity two years ago and has been passing on advice to novice marathon runner Jane.

DID HE HOP HOME?: A 15th century shoe has been unearthed in Southampton, the Southern Daily Echo reported, during landscaping work to prepare for a new shopping mall opening.

Experts think the owner probably threw it away because it was worn down at the heel. They also know the male owner was a bit of a fashion victim as the shoe had a diamond-shape sole, a tiny heel and pointed toe, and would have been most uncomfortable to walk in.

PARROT RAISES THE ALARM: Police rushed to a house in North Devon following a call from a member of the public who has heard “screams for help”.

But the “culprit” was already behind bars. Freddie, an Amazon Blue Fronted parrot had been singing along to the radio and shouting from the conservatory while his owner tidied the garden.

BEE GEE MEMORIES: Robert Meakin, who writes a diary column for the Manchester Evening News, has told readers he has just discovered that the three singing Bee Gee brothers have all been given bygone heritage calendars by their mum, Barbara, to remind them of their childhood days spent in Chorlton.

The calendar includes a view of the family’s former home in Keppel Road.

HELP FOR HUDD: A Worcester couple have told their local Evening News how they answered a plea for help from entertainer Roy Hudd’s sound engineer before the star appeared at Huntingdon Hall.

Catherine Skelton and Mark Skyrne run a business which provides sound equipment for local theatre groups. Roy’s sound system had broken down and the local Swan Theatre were unable to help, so the couple lent him a radio microphone which was essential for his show.

SAFE AS HOUSES: Customers at a Birmingham post office were amazed to discover the reason it was closed for a week: the safe was locked and no-one could open it, reported the Evening Mail.

A pensioner living nearby, who had been unable to collect her pension, commented: “When the post office was burgled last year, they didn’t seem to have too much problem opening the safe.”

CLEANING UP ON QUALIFICATIONS: Bolton can boast North West England’s first qualified cleaner.

June Molyneux, 50, has an NVQ Level 2 in cleaning and building supplies after 12 months of study, and plans to take a Level 3 next which will qualify her to become a cleaning inspector, said the Bolton Evening News.

RUGBY WOMEN BANNED: Reporters at the Bristol Evening Post have revealed that women rugby players were banned from playing a warm-up match before their male colleagues’ annual game – because they might have damaged the pitch.

Bristol University and University of the West of England Women’s First XV had been due to play at the Memorial Stadium – home to Bristol Rugby Club and Bristol Rovers. The women’s match was switched to Bristol University’s playing fields. The women said they were disappointed but understood that the extra game would be too much for the pitch.

VIVA LAS BLACKPOOL!: Blackpool has been the subject of hot debate in the columns of the Washington Post, the seaside town’s evening paper has reported.

An American who visited Blackpool wrote to the Post on his return about “junk shops full of souvenirs too hideous to describe, modest-looking B&Bs, and hordes of visitors wearing Kiss Me Quick T-shirts”. He also said it attracted no young tourists and had nowhere to eat if you didn’t like fish and chips, the Gazette reported.

Other Americans leaped to the resort’s defence, but the final word went to deputy leader of Blackpool Council, Councillor George Bancroft, who told the Post: “We are sometimes referred to as the Las Vegas of Europe. Personally, I prefer to think of Las Vegas being the Blackpool of America.”

G’DAY JOB HUNTERS: A Plymouth recruitment agency has been contacted by its Sydney office with thousands of job vacancies at the Olympic Games in Australia to fill, reported the Evening Herald.

There are more than 19,000 jobs on offer ranging from litter-picking to IT and media relations. Contracts range from two weeks to six months.

CHANGE FOR THE LOO: An East Sussex couple are converting a former pub toilet into their dream home.

The small stone building, dating from about 1750, was once the village cobbler’s workshop and later became a store room for the pub opposite – which also once used it as an emergency outside toilet, reported the Express & Echo, Exeter.

“HELLO DOLLY”, SAYS DORA: Actress Dora Bryan, who played the title role in the first London production of the musical Hello Dolly in 1960, has sent a good luck message to Teignmouth Operatic Society, which is staging the show in April, said the Herald Express, in Torquay.

LADY THATCHER: Plymouth paper the Western Morning News featured the tale of Sam Goss, 32, who gave up her job in a food factory – where she sprinkled raisins on bread and butter puddings – to become the country’s only qualified female master thatcher.

KEEP ON THROWING: A 90-year-old great grandmother, blind in one eye, has been persuaded not to retire from her local darts team – because she’s
just too good!

The Leicester Mercury told how team-mates from the Thurmaston Conservative Club ladies team begged Annie Foode, who took up the game in 1950, to stay and help keep them in the top half of the Leicestershire Ladies league table.

POSTMAN’S NIGHTMARE: A Rottweiler chased unlucky postman Paul Elliott into a telephone kiosk after stealing a full mail bag out of his hand.

The Shields Gazette reported that Paul rang the assistant manager at the South Shields sorting office who laughed hysterically when he heard Paul’s plight but managed to ring the police to go and help.

Meanwhile, back at the telephone box, the dog had by now chased a woman shopper into the kiosk.

“She wasn’t as scared as me, which is quite embarassing,” said Paul who was rescued by officers who also traced the dog’s owners.

LUCKY ESCAPE: Frozen debris, the size of a football, fell from a plane and ripped through the loft of a pensioner’s home in Brighton.

The Evening Argus told how the 70-year-old man was only five metres away from the lump and could have been killed if it had landed on top of him.

WRAPPING UP WELL: Winter coats made in Huddersfield are selling like hot cakes on the sun-kissed island of Bermuda, says local evening title, the Daily Examiner.

The James Group says its coats are being snapped up by wealthy Americans whose cruise liners call in to the Caribbean tourist spot.

DOG DONORS: Shropshire solicitor Margaret Morrison rushed across the county with her two greyhounds after an appeal from the Greyhound Rescue organisation for suitable blood donors to save the life of a dying dog.

Eight-year-old Perkin the greyhound had been having routine dental treatment when complications set in and he began to bleed heavily. His distraught owners were told a transfusion was needed to save his life, and their other greyhounds were not suitable donors.

Greyhound Rescue’s regional office put out an appeal, reported the Shropshire Star, and Margaret answered. She left work to take her dogs to the rescue. A fully-recovered Perkin is now back home with his grateful family.

GOING BY THE BOOK: The News, in Portsmouth, has reported that school exercise books could be examined by police in a bid to track down graffiti vandals.

They believe the youngsters, who often sign their graffiti with distinctive signature designs – known as “tags” – often draw the same designs in their school books.

I CAN’T BEAR IT: A quote from mum provided the perfect ending to a Bristol Evening Post story about a little girl who has been reunited with a lost teddy bear.

Emmaleigh Coates (six) had been looking after Belinda, the school teddy, but left it behind at Paddington Station when her family caught a train to Bath. A ticket collector saw her crying, asked what the problem was and quietly slipped away.

Mum Trudy explained: “She went off to secretly ring Lost Property and came back to explain that Belinda had been very naughty and had jumped off the train to spend Valentine’s Day with Paddington Bear.”

The bear was tracked down and mailed back to Emmaleigh.

FOUR LEGS GOOD, TWO LEGS BETTER?: Champion runner Roddy Pitt aims to prove that two legs are better than four when he takes on…a racehorse.

Roddy will race against Leith Sands in a 100m dash at Musselburgh, Scotland, on Saturday, the Edinburgh Evening News reports. He was inspired to take on the challenge by other top athletes, who believe that beating a four-legged beast is a sign of prowess.

THANKS A BUNCH, DAD: Jamie Cox thought he was on to a bargain when he saw an advert for a Vauxhall Astra in a trade magazine.

He had no idea that the seller was his father, Spencer – who he had not seen for years – until they met to seal the deal. But he was in for a bigger shock when the car suffered a series of breakdowns. Jamie’s mother – his father’s ex-wife – promptly called in trading standards officials and Spencer was prosecuted for supplying an unroadworthy vehicle, the Express and Echo, Exeter, reported.

PUKKA STUFF: A national advertising campaign gave the Leicester Mercury a new twist on the Millennium Dome saga.

The paper told how Leicester-based Pukka-Pies’ campaign – using a poster showing the Dome replace by a giant pie, with the slogan “Milleni-yum” – had been so successful that 3,000 posters had been distributed to chippies across the country.

SCRUFF IN A JAM: A hamster called Scruff made page 1 of the Grimsby Evening Telegraph after chewing his way out of his cage and getting stuck in a gas fire.

All efforts to free him failed until the fire brigade arrived and eased the sooty creature out with the help of washing-up liquid.

TAILPIECE: Banned driver Graham Hadaway was collared by a police officer on horseback as he was taking his car to be sold. Nothing particularly stunning about the story but the Shields Gazette deserves a mention for its headline: “Banned driver’s tale of whoa!”

MAKING THE WEBSITE ROCK: That popular sticky confection, Blackpool rock, is making the leap from the beach to the boardroom, says local evening title, The Gazette.

Instead of “Wish You Were Here” or the name of the resort lettered through the middle of the seaside sugar sticks, Jason Evans is hand-making rock with website addresses and corporate logos, such as the Peugeot lion, running right through.

JIMMY IS THE BABY – AT 80: Lifelong Blackburn Rovers fan Jimmy Yates will celebrate his 80th birthday with a party at Ewood Park on Sunday – surrounded by his four ELDER brothers and sisters.

The ‘baby’ of the family will be toasted by siblings Alfred, 81, Sarah, 82, Lily, 85, and Esther, 86, as well as the Lancashire Evening Telegraph, which reported on their story.

PUB SEES IN NEW YEAR…AGAIN: A Yorkshire pub plans to ring in the millennium 10 weeks late for a regular who missed the fun following a car crash on December 30.

Now that Denise Stansfield is out of hospital, the landlord of the Inn on the Bridge, Hebden Bridge is to stage New Year’s Eve all over again on March 8, says the Yorkshire Evening Post. All he needs is a recording of Big Ben’s chimes to make the party complete.

‘DON KING’ SAVED BY GREAT DANE: Furious barking from her Great Dane, Ella, alerted Julie Columbine to two dehydrated rabbits inside an animal carrier box – abandoned in the garden of her Cheshire home.

Now they have recovered, the Manchester Evening News reported, Julie has decided to adopt them. She has named the boy bunny Don King because of his unusual spiky grey hair. His sister has been christened Mollie.

NAKED CINEMA: Nights where people could watch the latest Hollywood blockbusters in the nude could be introduced at the country’s first DVD digital cinema.

The Herald Express has reported on the plan by Rob Holmes, who launched the new cinema operation at his nightclub in Kingsbridge, South Devon, this week.

Rob, who last year invited naturists to his Fusions nightspot for special naked-only nights, said he had already spoken to some naturists’ clubs and they thought it was a great idea.

CATCH OF THE DAY: A former Hull trawler will be used in the search for Noah’s Ark, the Hull Daily Mail has reported.

The Northern Horizon, a former deep sea freezer, was retired from a fishing fleet in 1979 to take up a new role of searching the sea bed.

It will now join a hunt led by Dr Robert Ballard – who discovered the Titanic, and helped track down the wrecks of the Lusitania and the Bismarck – in a region of the Black Sea where the famous floating zoo from the Bible is believed to have ended up.

CLEANING UP ON CUPBOARD: Church custodians have been left red-faced after selling an old cupboard used to store cleaning materials to a dealer for £350.

It has now turned up in a Christie’s auction catalogue with an estimated value of between £1,5
00 – £2,500, the East Anglian Daily Times has reported.

All Saints’ Church, at Saxtead, near Framlingham, decided the “ugly” cupboard was taking up too much room. It has now been found to be a 16th century piece made from fragments of a medieval rood screen.

CAT SAVES SEVEN LIVES: Medway Today told how a cat saved seven people from a house fire in Sittingbourne.

The cat had been shut in the kitchen for the night when the fire broke out. It made such a frantic noise as the smoke began to build up that it woke a 17-year-old upstairs. He opened the door – releasing the cat – and saw the fire in time to alert everyone else and get them out safely.

DAFFODIL DAYLIGHT RAIDS: A parish council chairman has declared a one-woman war on motorists who nab daffodils from roadsides in the Eastleigh village of Fair Oak.

Helen Douglas has been logging the registration numbers of cars driven by daffodil snatchers, she told the Southern Daily Echo, and intends to publish them in the parish magazine.

DAD FOR IT: As fans await the arrival of the new Oasis album, guests at the Manchester Airport Hotel have been treated to a live performance from one of the Gallagher clan, the Manchester Evening News reported.

Tommy, estranged father of Noel and Liam, was spotted working as a DJ for a 70th birthday party. He didn’t play any of the boys’ hits, the paper said, choosing instead to spin discs from the 70s and 80s.

BUTCHER’S SECRET IS T.L.C: Malvern butcher Chrys Titshall has been judged the maker of Britain’s tastiest sausage in a competition run by the Meat Trades Journal.

He refused to reveal the recipe of his prize-winning pork banger, but told the Worcester Evening News that “tender, loving care when making the sausage mix” was vitally important.

YOU’VE BEEN MANGO-ED: Two unique mirrors, shaped like mangoes and framed in purple, orange and green artwork, have been stolen from a cafe in Exeter, the Express & Echo has reported.

They were taken from the men’s and ladies’ toilets at Mango’s cafe bar.

Cafe owner Nina Theodoulou said: “I can’t believe someone came in for a coffee and left with the mirrors. I should have bolted them to the wall.”

BLOOMING CHEEK: A motorist stopped by a red traffic light in Brixham leapt out and stole an expensive palm from a private flower display.

Brixham Horticultural Society, which sponsors and plants the display, told the Herald Express they hope the culprit may have been caught on CCTV.

KETCHUP TERROR: A Cheltenham mum is to go on TV talk show Trisha in a bid to find a solution for her seven-year-old son’s phobia of tomato sauce.

James Coles has a stomach-churning fear of ketchup, mayonnaise and relish – just the sight of them can make him vomit, his mum told the Gloucestershire Echo.

TREE-TMENT FOR HOSPITAL: Clones of an ancient oak from Sherwood Forest are to be planted around Nottingham City Hospital, the Evening Post has revealed.

It is part of an ambitious wildlife preservation scheme to restore heathlands – home to scarce birds like woodlarks and nightjars.

LOOPY WEDDING: A Skegness couple are to say their wedding vows on a rollercoaster.

Rev Nicholas Brailsford, a member of ACE – American Coaster Enthusiasts – will perform the ceremony for Steve Saddler and Clare Smith aboard the Millennium Rollercoaster at the Magical World of Fantasy Island next month, the Lincolnshire Echo has reported.

The happy couple will be accompanied wedding guests and members of the Chapel le Frith choir.

PEACE TOWER PLAN: Chairman of Nottingham’s Natural Law Party has dreamed up a plan to build The Maharishi Tower of World Peace in the grounds of Nottingham Castle.

It would stand half a kilometre high, making it Europe’s tallest free-standing tower.

City planners have said the idea is unlikely to be approved, the Evening Post reported

BURGLARS MAKE A BOOB: Also from the Evening Post comes the story of burglars who broke into a lingerie shop … and stole a box of 15 faulty bras which were waiting to be sent back to the makers.

The haul also included one leather glove and a raincoat which had hung unused for 11 years.

Owner Jenny Fearnley of Jenny’s in Ripley said: “I’m thinking of putting up a sign saying: ‘Thanks for pinching all my rubbish’.

LOVE ON THE WEB: A two-year trans-Atlantic courtship over the Internet has ended with Diane Gebheart, from California marrying her Welsh romeo, Dean Longhurst, in Swansea.

Dean, a brewery drayman, told the South Wales Evening Post that he met his wife on an Internet chat line on only his second day of surfing the web.

PEBBLES PINCHED: A man has been convicted of taking pebbles from a beach near his Budleigh Salterton home after the first prosecution of its kind under the 1949 Coastal Protection Act.

The Western Morning News reported that East Devon councillors have blamed Alan Titchmarsh’s Ground Force TV programme and similar DIY makeover shows for the disappearance of large number of pebbles.

They believe people are taking them to make paths and seaside features in their gardens.

The convicted man denied the offence and said he had been carrying a bucket load of crabs he had just landed. He was conditionally discharged for a year and ordered to pay £250 costs.

FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART: Cheeky baby Cameron Morton has a perfect heart-shaped red birthmark on his bottom – which shows no sign of fading.

The Grimsby Telegraph could not resist showing the world a picture of one-year-old Cameron, wrapped in a bath towel showing off the unusual mark on his left cheek.

Cameron’s proud nanna, Janet Ballard, said: “How many young men are going to have a lover heart on their bottom?”

POSTMEN GET IT WRITE: The Royal Mail and the US Postal Service successfully delivered a Gloucestershire pensioner’s letter to her American penfriend – with only a name and a street name on the envelope.

The absent-minded 90-year-old writer didn’t even remember to put the country on the address, let alone the town and state.

Just a week after it was sent, the letter arrived safely in Cabot, Pennsylvania.

A postal service spokesman in America told the Gloucestershire Echo: “Sometimes we do things that really amaze ourselves.”

SPUDS ONLINE: A Cheshire farmer, who was sick of sky-high supermarket vegetable prices, is selling his potato crop on the Internet and drastically undercutting the big retailers.

David Roston told The Sentinel, Stoke: “I made a rare visit to a supermarket and saw a pack of two jacket potatoes selling for 80p – which is only slightly less than they pay a farmer for a 56lbs bag”.

His customers pay £3 for a 25 kilo bag including delivery.

For a hi-tech lowdown on the humble spud, try spuds-online

SPEEDY VICAR: A vicar who fell asleep after lunch was booked by traffic police doing nearly 100 mph as he tried to make up time and reach a Sunday service in Shrewsbury.

The Express & Star, Wolverhampton, reported that the Welshpool vicar was fined £500 after admitting doing 95 mph in a 60 mph zone.

PEDIGREE CHUMS: Sellers of the Big Issue in Cheltenham are getting free jackets paid for by a shopping arcade – and two of the seven vendors who have dogs are getting matching coats for their four-legged friends.

The idea was the brainchild of town centre manager George Munro who persuaded the arcade’s mangement to pay £300 for the cut-price jackets, which are actually worth £100 each.

GERRY REUNION: The Citizen, in Gloucester, arranged a happy reunion between 1960s pop star Gerry Marsden and the fan who 36 years ago slept out all night to get front row seats for his concert with backing group The Pacemakers.

Carole Barton was just 16 when she first saw Ge
rry on February 11, 1964 – and got a clip round the ear from her mother for sleeping on the city street with her girlfriends.

The newspaper reunited the two when Gerry returned to the city in the Solid Silver Sixties Show

TAKING THE BISCUIT: Councillors on Stoke-on-Trent City Council will save a packet when free biscuits, tea and coffee are withdrawn from the hundreds of civic meetings which take place every year.

Labour councillor Tony Pattie told The Sentinel: “I’ll miss the coffee – it sometimes help keeps you awake.”

The cut-back will save £34,000 a year.

EYE LOVE YOU: The Evening Express, in Aberdeen, has teamed up with British Airways to offer romantic ladies the chance to make a Leap Year proposal on February 29 to the love of their life … at the top of the London Eye Millennium Wheel.

To take part, you have to tell the newspaper why you want to pop the question to the man in your life in no more than 50 words.

SPOOKY COINCIDENCE: Peter Blown was helping friends renovate an old shop in Newton Abbot when he found a copy of his local paper, the Herald Express, from the same day …35 years ago.

The old newspaper, from February 1965, included details of the 50th birthday of footballer Stanley Matthews and advertisements included a four-bedroom house for £5,000 and a Vauxhall Viva for £573.

WHO ARE THEY?: Millionaire rock legend Pete Townshend chose a tiny Cheltenham record shop, co-owned by life-long Who fans Steve and Phil Jump, as the only one in the world to stock his new release.

The six-CD collection, called The Lifehouse Chronicles is only available through th shop, called Badlands, or through the Pete Townshend website.

The Gloucestershire Echo reported that the rock star’s recording company’s spokesman said: “Of all the people we approached, Phil and Steve at Badlands really understood the angle that we were coming from – breaking free from traditional sales and promotional models.”

NO ROMANCE AT MAINE ROAD: The Variety Club of Great Britain needed at least 1,544 couples to turn up at Manchester City’s Maine Road ground to break the world record for the largest-ever kiss-in …and they got NONE!, the Manchester Evening News reported.

At Fulham’s Craven Cottage ground, they fared slightly better with 40 couples turning up for a snog.

The kiss-ins around the country were staged to increase awareness of the Variety Club’s Gold Heart Appeal, which helps disabled and disadvantaged children.

SOGGY MOGGY: Firefighters in Nottingham used a hosepipe to blast a stuck cat out of a tree and caught it in a safety sheet, the Evening Post reported.

Marmite the cat, who had been trapped 60ft off the ground, was completely unharmed.

BABY BLUES: Huddersfield Town fan Darryl Aston named his son Marcus Stewart after his favourite player, only to see the star striker transfer to Ipswich Town two weeks later.

To soften the blow, baby Marcus was enrolled in Ipswich Town’s Junior Blues Crew by the club and invited – with his parents – to meet his footballing namesake before Ipswich played Huddersfield at Portman Road.

In a cruel twist of fate for Darryl, the East Anglian Daily Times reported that Ipswich triumphed 2-1 thanks to a 73rd minute winner from …Marcus Stewart

TO INFAMY AND BEYOND: Thieves broke into a South Tyneside cinema and abducted three five-foot high cardboard cut outs of alien charcaters from the new Toy Story 2 film.

A reward is being offered for their return – undamaged – says The Shields Gazette.

WHERE’S MY VAN GONE?: There were red-faces at Gloucestershire Police Station when an unlocked police dog van was taken from under an officer’s nose.

The Citizen reported that while two dogs were being exercised on open land at Brockworth Airfield a dishevelled man leapt into the unmarked white Astra van and drove away. The officer was too far away to interven in time, reported the newspaper.

LUBBLY JUBBLY: Most 22-year-olds dream of owning high performance sports cars, but Christopher Rowley’s dream has come true now he is the proud owner of a Reliant Robin.

A massive fan of TV comedy “Only Fools and Horses”, Christopher has had the van sprayed bright yellow with the sign “Trotters Independent Trading Company: New York. Paris. Peckham” emblazoned on the side.

But his girlfriend is less than thrilled, The Sentinel reported. When he picked her up in the three-wheeler the other day she crouched down in the passenger seat so no-one could see her.

CROWD-SHY COWS COULD SPOIL THE PARTY: Organisers of the annual gala in the Yorkshire village of Wortley are keen to organise a cow pat competition.

A field would be marked out in squares, which are “sold” for £1 each, and a cow is left to wander round. A prize goes to the “owner” of the square where the cow lays its first pat.

But council clerk Frank Sheldon told The Star, in Sheffield, that they were having trouble finding a cow which wouldn’t be “spooked” by the watching crowds.

Scared cows get diarrhoea, and if that happens it would be impossible for us to judge which square was first to be hit.”

Farmer Tom White said cows aren’t as sociable as they used to be, and the gala organisers might have to settle for a pony instead.

PULL THE UDDER ONE: Dairy farmers are turning to aromatherapy in a bid to cure mastitis in their cows, reports The Telegraph & Argus, Bradford. A former farmer from Skipton has created a blend of lavender, eucalyptus, geranium and damask rose which he claims can clear up the infection in two to three days.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS – FOR VALENTINE’S DAY: The Shropshire Star has told how a baffled pensioner received a Christmas card from his brother this week. It had taken almost two months to travel seven miles from Bridgnorth, where it was posted on December 13.

MR BLOBBY RUINED MY VOICE: A budding opera singer who claimed that performing six times a day in a sweaty rubber Mr Blobby suit at a Somerset theme park ruined his voice has won undisclosed damages for injuries and lost earnings, the Western Morning News reported. Sam Perry maintained that exhaustion, heat and dehydration brought on by wearing the costume left him unable to reach high notes.

PARENTS ARE JOKERS: Practical jokers Josephine and John Block kept their son Stephen on his toes when they turned up at the Basingstoke hotel, where he is deputy manager, disguised as complaining tourists.

The couple, from Plymstock, were transformed by professional make-up artists – the Evening Herald, in Plymouth revealed – after winning a Make It Happen promotion run by chocolate bar company Mars.

“Stephen was being really polite and trying to keep calm. But when John pulled his wig and glasses off, he collapsed laughing,” said Josephine.

ALL THE TWOS: Megan McDonald entered the world on February 2, 2000, at 2.20am, measuring 22 inches, reported The Sentinel, in Stoke.

For good measure, her mother Michelle McDoanld chose the name Megan so that her new daughter’s initials would be MM – which means 2000 in Roman numerals.

DON’T FENCE ME IN: A family in Leeds, who had asked the council to make their open front garden safe for their youngsters to play in, were delighted when contractors put in a new gate.

Unfortunately they forgot to provide a fence to go with it, reported the Yorkshire Evening Post.

“It’s like having a door but no house to go with it,” said father-of-four Douglas Rowe.For a month the council told a complaining Mr Rowe that its computer showed that a gate AND a fence had been put up up, but after the Post intervened the job was finally completed.

NUTTY CRIME: Grantham couple Roy and Janet Sadler thought their home had been burgled when they found it ransacked and belongings broken and strewn everywhere.

But a pile of soot down the chimney and a trail of l
ittle footprints led them to the culprit – a squirrel, who they cornered under a chair before calling police.Mr Sadler told the Lincolnshire Echo he believed that the animal was searching for peanuts. But the furry vandal’s crime spree continued when he bit the police officer called to the scene.

KEEPING YOUR OPTIONS OPEN: Read in the Coalville Times, a Leicestershire weekly newspaper:

“Det Insp Ramsey added that the ramraiders may be local people. However, it could be the case that they are from outside of the district.”

EH-NO! TELETUBBY BAN: Organisers of a church hall bring-and-buy sale in aid of Blue Peter’s appeal for baby care equipment were shocked to be threatened with legal action if two volunteers dressed as Teletubbies Tinky Winky and Po made guest appearances.

The Evening Herald, in Plymouth, reported that the sale went ahead despite the threat from BBC Worldwide who deal with licensing for the under-fives TV show after organisers stood outside throughout the event with posters proclaiming that the characters were not THE Teletubbies, but were TV-tubs.

WAR OF MORE THAN WORDS: Covering councils is not the most exciting job on the diary but staff on the East Anglian Daily Times have it better than most.

The Ipswich-based paper carried a story about two Mid Suffolk District Council members whose political argument in a pub ended in a scuffle. One suffered a bruised face and a suspected fractured finger, while the other made a complaint to the police. It wasn’t the first time the injured man had made headlines for the wrong reasons: several years earlier, he’d found a pile of manure in his car after breaking off a relationship with a woman.

CRACKING UP: A reporter in the south of England tells us he was covering a story about homes subsiding when he was invited into the bedroom of an 85-year-old woman, who had damage to her walls “Without thinking, I said: ‘Show us your crack then’. Five minutes later, me, the photographer and the old girl, all bent double with laughter, continued the interview.”

PERFECT POSITION: Does anyone out there know of a more appropriate byline than that of the East Anglian Daily Times environment correspondent, David Green?

READ ALL ABOUT IT: “We want Sammy back” ran the headline in the Huddersfield Daily Examiner after the town’s best-known newspaper boy was kidnapped.

Sammy, a stone-based statue complete with cloth cap and Examiner billboard, vanished from outside a Sainsbury’s supermarket and the paper carried an appeal by field sales manager John Armitage for his return. True to form, the kidnappers sent a ransom note, made up of letters cut from the paper, saying: Sammy kidnapped till our demands are met. Will be in touch.”

The paper even managed to get a TV soap link into the piece, revealing that Sammy’s elder brother stands outside The Kabin in Coronation Street.

Someone ought to feel Les Battersby’s collar…

BACK ON THE MENU: Gloucester’s Business Breakfast Club lost its regular meeting place when the Old Bell pub in the city closed. But, proving the power of the local press, an appeal in The Citizen prompted 12 offers of new venues and saved the early morning sessions.

SUSPENDING BELIEF: Alongside a video grab of a knifeman holding up an off-licence, one regional title declared that police were hunting “this stocking-clad robber”.

WIDE CIRCULATION:The Lincolnshire Echo has been to Antarctica.

Globe-trotting entertainers Paul Cooke and Wendy Callister have the paper posted to them from their home county whenever they are away. Last month, the Echo was able to carry a picture of the pair reading the Echo against a backdrop of glaciers as their cruise liner sailed through Antarctica.

MONKEY BUSINESS: The Evening Herald, Plymouth, had fun with a tale of a runaway capuchin called Charlie, which escaped en route to his new home.

Charlie was eventually captured after a helper from Looe Monkey Sanctuary spent a day gaining his trust, but not until he had enjoyed two days of freedom, evading efforts by vets to sedate him with a dart gun and a blow pipe. Owner Paul Rooks said: “We even tried spraying a banana with sedatives but he seemed to know.”

SEEING DOUBLE: Couples in Darlington now longer have to fight over who gets to read the paper at weekends. The broadsheet Northern Echo has split its Saturday section in half, with news and features in the front section and sport and motors in the second.

FOUL CALLED: Thank goodness for councillors who are prepared to stick their necks out in a hopeless cause.

The Monsters of Rock festival returns to Castle Donington this year after a four-year absence and Derek Wintle, who represents the village on North West Leicestershire District Council, has welcomed the news. But, as the Leicester Mercurcy reported, he wants the bands to be banned from swearing on stage.

“In 1996,” he said, “I was walking through the village but was stopped in my tracks by the language the singer was using. It was terrible.”

BITTER BLOW: Be on your best behaviour if you visit Jersey and fancy a pint. The island’s Evening Post reports that a 35-year-old woman who refused to quit licensed premises was sentenced to 10 days in jail.

NO SMILING, PLEASE, WE’RE BRITISH:One of the oddest stories thrown up by anti-stalking laws comes from the Herald Express, Torquay.

A long-running feud between neighbouring butchers culminated in one being hauled up into Exeter Crown Court for breaching a restraining order – by giving a “cheesy grin” at staff in the rival shop. The culprit spent two weeks in custody before a judge set him free, declaring: “No wonder Parliament is considering abolishing the right to trial in some cases.”

JUST THE OB: A reporter driving through London spotted the results of a badly folded bill for the local rag. It was advertising a “64-pag ob scene supplement”.

THAT’S A RESULT:The Shields Gazette helped to put a thief in court.Magistrates in South Shields heard that a shoplifter was captured on closed-circuit television. He was arrested after the paper carried his picture as part of its Crimestoppers campaign.

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