A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post

Page 1 of 2

So who is to blame for the Foot and Mouth epidemic? Step forward, Tony Blah.

Think about it. One of the major issues in the forthcoming election is the relationship between Town, represented by NuLabour nonces from Islington, and Country, represented by around a third of the population from across all social and political classes.

Mr Blah and his cronies, for all their bluff denials, fear the countryside. It smells, it’s dark and muddy and it’s full of real, ordinary people with traditional moral values. This conflict was due to be demonstrated on March 18, when 250,000 “country” folk were due to march on London in a politically embarrassing show of strength.

This display of dissent was going to be a little too close to polling day for NuLabour’s liking. The solution was simple, if ruthless. Fly in an infected pig, dump it in Northumberland (suspiciously close to the PM’s constituency, I think you’ll agree) and effectively close down the countryside.

The march is cancelled, there’s a ban on movement, and devastated farmers suddenly have more to worry about than the end of fox-hunting. It’s a masterpiece of manipulation and it’s got Mr Blah’s control-freak fingerprints all over it.

By the time the crisis is over, NuLabour will be back in power with a majority of between 60 and 70 seats, thousands of farmers will be bankrupt, the knock-on effects will cripple the countryside economy and all that will be left outside the towns and cities will be commuters, weekend cottages and paintball parks.

Welcome to Tony’s Brave New World. Would the last one to leave the countryside please close the barn door? The horse has already bolted.

(Incidentally, I am writing this from a bunker beneath Beelzebub Towers, where my man Whittaker awaits with a bowl of warm disinfectant, a jar of Vick and a fluffy towel. It’s a dangerous time for those of us with cloven hooves. You can’t be too careful.)

Here’s another thing. Foot and Mouth disease can’t be transmitted to humans.

That means that we can eat infected animals without any harmful effects.

Now this might not be everybody’s cup of tea, but I can think of some sections of our society that would be only too glad of a nourishing, free, hot meal.

Next page…