A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post

Page 2 of 2

Yes, Mr Bradbury, you bastard, I mean you. I still get tears in my eyes when I remember that vicious sideburn twist you perfected on generations of innocent youths. That’s why I hate the French … because they remind me of you. (That’s not exactly true. There’s a myriad of reasons, actually. But Bradbury’s French lessons played their part.)

And let’s not forget Nunkie, the gym master, who used to hang recalcitrant children from the top of the wall bars. When I say “hang”, I don’t mean “with a noose”. Well only once, anyway. As an example to the rest of us.

I turned on the television yesterday morning and almost fainted. Cilla Bloody Black in a corset and fishnets!

Luckily I managed to turn away just in time, but what on earth are they doing exposing the nation’s youth to a sight like that while they’re eating their muesli? Let’s just be thankful that Mary Whitehouse was spared the ordeal.

And while we’re on the subject of showbusiness, what on earth was that Jonathan King trial all about? He gets seven years for kiddy-fiddling, fair enough, but doesn’t do a minute’s time for all the appalling songs he’s inflicted upon us down the years. Remember Una Paloma Blanca? He deserves another stretch just for that.

Meanwhile Her Majesty is allegedly shocked when watching a musical version of The Full Monty during the Royal Variety Performance. Apparently backlighting was meant to ensure that the dancers would be silhouetted at the crucial moment, but it appears that their crown jewels may well have been visible.

Let’s not get this out of proportion. This isn’t the first time that Her Madge has been confronted with half a dozen knobs. Just think what Christmas dinner at Balmoral must be like.

The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this newspaper, of anyone watching the new Richard and Judy show, of any Dads not getting up early on a Saturday to watch Dani Behr, or of anyone showing the least bit of sympathy for Les Battersby.

Back to the Barry Beelzebub Index