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Unidentified Headline 78

A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post


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Film Confusion: The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the October 28th, 1990, when Mrs Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch The Ipcress File. She watched in silence for a breathtaking two minutes, 40 seconds before asking “Is he a goodie or a baddie, him in the glasses?” This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 38 minutes of 633 Squadron before asking “Is this a war film, then?”

Incorrect Driving: The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 313 miles from Stranraer to Holyhead, by Dr. Julie Thorn at the wheel of a Saab 900, April 2nd, 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning twelve miles into her journey, but pressed on regardless. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

Jumble Sale Massacre: The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98. The incident happened at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th, 1991. When the doors opened at 10am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, with a further 25 killed in a skirmish over a pinafore dress costing 10p. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming the other lives. The jumble sale raised £28 for local boy scouts.

More next week. Unless I’m being sued by whoever wrote it. Or Mrs Beelzebub sees this.


The Turner prize. What’s all that about then? Some bloke copped for £20,000 on Sunday night for an “installation” which consisted of a room in which the light went on and off every five seconds.

Well I can do that. It’s easy. Just stand there and press the switch while checking your watch. And they call that art? Give me one of those green Chinese ladies any day.

— BARRY BEELZEBUB
The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this newspaper, of any poor man who was bullied into watching Cold Feet, of the legions of the damned stumbling around The Mall at the weekend, or of all those sad anoraks emerging blinking from their attics now that Lord of the Rings is fashionable again.

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