Barry Beelzebub – The Devil’s Advocate
A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post

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It appears that there may be health concerns about farmed salmon. Well, there would be, wouldn’t there?

How can farming salmon be right? Poor bloody fish, flopping around in the mud and getting stepped on by cows. It doesn’t take a genius to see that this wasn’t what nature intended.

Wild salmon are free spirits, battling their way upstream to the spawning grounds. You try rounding those up with sheepdogs. Farmers, eh? They’ll do anything for money.

One of this country’s recent great successes has been in producing a top quality generation of Fat Kids. When I was at school they were rationed to one per class, or even one per year in hard times. Now there’s loads of them, all over the show.

Some of them are even ginger as well.

We feed them on chocolate eggs, microwave pizza and oven chips. We drive them to school in specially-strengthened people carriers. We sell off the playing fields so they can’t do any organised sport. We do away with play streets (remember them?) and ban street football.

We plonk them down in front of computer games to keep them away from the paedophiles lurking outside, who then chat them up on the Internet instead. And we wait on them hand and foot as their plumpness abounds.

We truly are now world leaders when it comes to Fat Kids. Watch out obese Americans. The British are coming!

Barry Beelzebub

– The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this newspaper, of people who claim they’re snowed in and can’t come to work the minute half an inch of white stuff lands, of anyone moaning about Prince Andrew cavorting with topless stunners on a yacht, or of anyone who buys a beagle from a balaclava-clad man in a pub.

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