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Barry Beelzebub – The Devil’s Advocate
A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post


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“Describe, in less than 500 words, how you would excuse going missing from the job for six days after disconnecting an elderly widow’s heating and hot water. In January.”

“A war veteran asks you to fix a loose slate. Do you, A: Put your foot through his roof and cause £1,500 worth of damage? B: Tell him the recent gales have smashed all his tiles? C: Drive him to the bank and make him withdraw his life-savings? D: All of these?”

“Imagine you are a thieving gypsy. How many doors will you have to knock on before someone is foolish enough to let you tarmac their drive with that “bit you’ve got left over from another job”, and how quickly can you get a cheque cleared through a bank?”

Well, that’s me done for the day. Any chance of a cuppa, love?


The Internet is a wonderful thing. Or it would be if Americans weren’t allowed anywhere near it.

If they’re not chatting up your children, they’re e-mailing each other unfunny jokes and pornographic pictures of Britney Spears. Still, occasionally something amusing turns up, as with this list of Children’s Books

You Will Never See:
Strangers Have the Best Sweets, Some Kittens Can Fly, You Were an Accident, The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking, Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear, Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Miss Electrical Socket Be Friends?, Daddy Drinks Because You Cry, Pop Goes The Hamster… And Other Great Microwave Games, The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables, The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy, and How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Primary School.

Watch out, J.K.Rowling.

– The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this newspaper, of the board of Bristol Rovers Football Club, who sacked Ian Holloway to replace him with a man with a fraction of the commitment, but who’ll have to work under the same financial restraints. Fools.

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