Barry Beelzebub – The Devil’s Advocate
A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post

Page 2 of 2

Not content with taxing smokers to the hilt even though they don’t live long enough to avail themselves of many services, the Government has now accused tobacco addicts of helping to fund the IRA.

Apparently, the IRA buys fags for 50p a packet in China and then smuggles them in by the lorry load to sell in pubs at £2.50 a time. This trade is supposed to be worth £1m a year, money which is used to buy guns and Semtex.

Is that why there’s now a seal on packets of legitimate fags saying “UK Duty Paid”? Is it going to be made a criminal offence to possess contraband smokes? Will special squads of Ciggy Cops be frisking those furtive-looking groups of people standing in the rain outside office blocks?

You have been warned. Today, 10 Lambert and Butler; tomorrow, 10 years on B Wing.

I am informed by a young person that a fellow called Eminem is currently making quite a name for himself in the hit parade. I am also told that lyrics to his songs are quite controversial.

Really? He doesn’t like gays and he thinks women are stupid. What’s controversial about that?

He sounds a thoroughly decent sort. I might have to take Russ Conway’s Greatest Hits off my vintage Dansette and give one of the chap’s platters a spin.

If we can have a referendum on the Euro, or on how much our council tax is going to increase, why can’t we have one on the reintroduction of capital punishment, increasing motorway speed limits and jailing Darius from Popstars for his quite horrific Britney Spears impersonation?

* The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this newspaper, of the bespectacled kid off the Claims Direct advert, of anyone who sent one of those unfunny, “funny” Valentine cards, or of Coronation Street’s hand-wringing nonce, Anthony. Pillow over the face, mate, and get it over with.

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