A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post

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The latest lucky recipient of the big cheque is Acting Chief Superintendent Anil Patani of Nottinghamshire Police. (Yes, he’s Asian, but I’d be saying the same about him if he was Welsh.)

Mr Patani has sued the force for racial discrimination. No surprise there, then. Except that Mr Patani is taking legal action because he got preferential treatment and was promoted too quickly. Therefore his colleagues look down on him because they think he only achieved his rank because of his race.

This is just nonsense. You wouldn’t pay out for that, would you? Why didn’t he just turn down the promotion?

Hold your horses. Mr Patani has previous. In 1990, when a sergeant, he sued for racial discrimination and collected £5,000. He didn’t even have to Phone a Friend. And we’ll not even mention the copper who’s collected £300,000 for being on duty at Hillsborough. Or the chap who’s claiming that the barking of his police dog has made him deaf.

So there we go, a new recruitment slogan. Join the police and win bags of compo. I’m only surprised that Claims Direct aren’t sponsoring their uniforms.

My man Whittaker was in fits of laughter watching TV footage of gay rights campaigner Peter Tatchell getting roughed up by Robert Mugabe’s bodyguards after trying to “arrest” the Zimbabwean leader in Brussels. He’s never liked him since he was “outed” for having a suspiciously large collection of Shirley Bassey records.

To say the stunt was ill-advised is an understatement. Take my advice, Peter. The next time you see the President of a volatile African nation walking down the street surrounded by large men with bulging jackets, don’t rush up to him shouting and waving your arms. You might get a bit more than a slap.

Tatchell, who is even hated by Guardian-reading nonces, last year invaded the pulpit while the Archbishop of Canterbury was delivering a sermon and claimed that the Bible was worse than Mein Kampf. Now he’s had his comeuppance.

Truly, God moves in mysterious ways. Pip, pip!

*- BARRY BEELZEBUB
The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of anyone who didn’t want to punch Chris Eubank five minutes into Celebrity Big Brother, of anyone who didn’t want to punch Vanessa Feltz six minutes into Celebrity Big Brother, or of the ramblers who insisted that it was alright to walk along the footpath at the end of our lane last weekend. Thanks a lot. The farm next door has got Foot and Mouth now.

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