A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post

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Perhaps you could give some thought to guiding your headline writers to avoid offending different racial groups with the use of such terms.”

Now this is a wind-up, isn’t it? Animals are burning in the fields, the stock market has collapsed, Peter Mandelson’s gay Brazilian lover has given him the boot and the BREC is complaining about a pathetically innocuous headline in the Evening Post.

Send for Mr Weird Beard. I need counselling.

Did you see the disgraceful state of the so-called “soldiers” who turned up to help out with the foot and mouth epidemic? Nothing but girlies and spotty kids.

God help them if they ever have to fight for our country. The Teletubbies could give them a kicking.

That’s what I don’t understand about Tony Blah. He’s systematically wrecking our armed forces, yet he’s quicker to deploy them than Mad Maggie. We’ve got troops in trouble spots all over the world, those left at home are at last being allowed to sort out the Foot and Mouth crisis, yet he’s doing all he can to encourage poofters and women join up.

We’ve even got the Third Armoured Orange Badge Regiment, especially for the disabled.

How are these people supposed to put the fear of God into the enemy? They wouldn’t even frighten Declan Swan.

Bring back proper soldiers, the kind of tattooed psychopaths you used to see brawling in the corridors of trains amid a sea of empty beer cans. Or when the Welsh next come cattle-stealing, we’ll be in big trouble.

A mate of mine has just been sacked from his job on the Waltzers at the Pleasure Beach in Blackpool.

He’s not happy. He’s suing for funfair dismissal.

– BARRY BEELZEBUB

The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this newspaper, of anyone who doesn’t rate the delectable Sarah Lousie (How old is she? Oh, bugger), of anyone who feels sorry for Declan Swan, or of anyone who failed to be impressed with Norman Wisdom’s outstanding missionary work in Albania.

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