A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post

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Seventeen primary school children in Brighton have made themselves ill after eating daffodils and were sent home clutching their stomachs in pain.

Why should we put up with this terrible threat to the well-being of the nation’s youngsters? Firm and decisive action is called for.

There should be an immediate cull of all daffodils. Specially-trained Royal Marines equipped with gardening gloves and those little knee pads will be mobilised.

Secateur factories are working around the clock. Seaside resorts have torn up their floral clocks. Burning pyres of dangerous flowers litter the countryside.

Police are conducting house-to-house inquiries and confiscating any fading Mother’s Day gifts, tanks ring garden centres across the nation and Alan Titmarsh has been taken into protective custody.

Oh, and the general election, which had never been announced anyway, will be put back until the day after England beat Greece in Athens, thereby guaranteeing Mr Blah a victory of 1966 proportions. Ain’t life grand?

A chap from St George in Bristol won £250,000 on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? and promptly promised to marry his girlfriend and mother of their baby son. Holidays in Barbados, redecorating the house and paying off the mortgage were also mentioned.

However, once the free Champagne had worn off, she ended up with a new Skoda and he moved back in with his mum. We are now told that the poor woman has to rely on income support.

Now I don’t want to be churlish about this, but why are we paying income support to the family of a man who still has the best part of a quarter of a million in the bank? I know that Mr Blah generously leaves me just over half of what I earn after taxes, but surely the national coffers aren’t that awash with money?

I’d be round there sharpish, before he fritters it all away on dolly mixtures and Pokemon cards.

— BARRY BEELZEBUB
The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this newspaper, or of anyone not mourning Sweetpea, Badger, Snowy, Bessie, Bunty, Billy, Chestnut and Sugar, the goats; Heidi, Bluey, Abba, Carlos and Boris, the sheep; and Babe the pig. Late of Lawrence Weston Community Farm. Sniffle.

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