A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post

Page 2 of 2

We men invest an awful lot of cash in a relationship. Apart from the costs incurred during the initial wooing (Babycham, cinema tickets and chips), it seems unheard of these days for the bride’s father to cover the entire costs of the wedding, however desperate he is to get rid of the brooding, hormone-ridden monster lurking upstairs with her Donny Osmond records and collection of soft toys.

I even had to cough up for my own suit hire, and pay for the damage to it which ensued during the traditional post-wedding punch-up. (I told the vicar that Pernod and mild didn’t mix.)

And then there’s all those essential items of household equipment, like washing machines and ironing boards. They don’t come cheap. No, the least you ladies can do is keep your side of the bargain, which I seem to remember as being 34C and size 10.

Perhaps we should have a Government regulator to oversee these matters? OFWIFE, or some such thing. Mr Blah should sort it out. Mind you, he’s no great expert in the marital stakes. He went and married Zippy out of Rainbow.

It was St George’s Day on Monday. You wouldn’t have known it. Barely a flag fluttered in the sky. Hardly a verse of Land of Hope and Glory was heard.

It’s no real surprise that we English can no longer summon the enthusiasm to celebrate our national day when our NuLabour government appears set on a campaign of ethnic cleansing that would have Slobodan Milosevic murmuring approvingly from the sidelines.

If you look at your census form (it’s the big yellow envelope on the mantelpiece) you’ll see that you are asked to which ethnic group you belong. You are offered two choices: British or Irish. Well I’m sorry, but I’m neither. I’m English.

The Scots have a little Scottish box to tick. The Welsh probably have a Welsh box to tick, although this would have to be somewhat larger to accommodate the crayoning. Why can’t I have an English box to tick?

There is an answer. Write it in beneath in the section provided for “Any other White background.” I am. Just remember to hide under the bed when the Thought Police come calling.

– BARRY BEELZEBUB

The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this newspaper, of anyone who doesn’t think Geri Halliwell has ruined It’s Raining Men, of anyone who couldn’t have given that lazy lump Lennox Lewis a damn good seeing-to, or of the first Scouser to ring Claims Direct because he’s got foot and mouth.

Back to the Barry Beelzebub Index