A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post

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This, I kid you not, is what one of Fleet Street’s finest had to say about the England captain after comparing him to Robert de Niro’s psychopathic killer in the film Taxi Driver: “Beckham’s haircut is a symbol that he is discarding his humanity and entering into a living hell.”

That’s funny. I thought we had Greece away.

The editor of this mighty organ telephones me from the barber’s chair at Blow Dry Burton’s where he’s having a Mohican done.

“Bazza,” he predictably cries. “This election thingy. How can we get Jordan to come and stand in Brissle?”

Given the immense proportions of the said young lady’s surgically-manipulated chest, getting her to stand at all would seem to be an achievement in its own right.

It must be like having two bags of sugar stuffed up your vest.

At least the voters of Stretford and Urmston (which, I must add, is one of the finest places on God’s earth) have had a little sunshine sprinkled on their election campaign. The rest of us are still in the grip of The Great Dictator as he sleazes his way from school to hospital, dodging the press while his stormtroopers use cattle prods on any real people who might stray into his path.

At least Mussolini made the trains run on time.

You can tell the football season’s over when they let women read the sports news on Radio 5. And when an Australian work experience kid gets to do the newspaper review.

What next? The cleaning lady standing in for Brian Perkins on Radio 4?

I don’t not pay my license fee for this level of service. Get it sorted.

BARRY BEELZEBUB
The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this newspaper, of anyone who doesn’t fancy Big Brother’s Narinder (even though she is a Geordie), of anyone who enjoyed Coronation Street’s ludicrous Drag Night, or of Ian Paisley, who apparently thinks line-dancing is “erotic”. Sure you heard the question properly, Ian?

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